Why did the man call his car 'baby'? Because it never went out without a rattle.
What do you write on a dead car's tombstone? Rust In Peace.
Did you hear about the man who kept driving his car into the pond? He wanted to dip his headlights!
While he was driving, he kept opening the door - to let the clutch out!
He took his car to the cathedral every Sunday - so it could have a service!
Someone was driving home after a basketball game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. The car was covered with dents, so the next day the driver took it to a repair shop. The shop owner decided to have some fun. He told the driver just to go home and blow into the exhaust pipe really hard, and the air would force all the dents to pop out. So the driver went home, got down on hands and knees and started blowing into the exhaust pipe. Nothing happened. Blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. A friend came by and asked, "What are you doing?"
The driver explained how the repairman had given instructions to blow into the exhaust pipe really hard in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The friend looked utterly amazed at the driver's stupidity and said, "Uh, like, hello! You'll never get enough air in there like that.
You need to close up the windows first!"
Listed below are genuine announcements made by tube drivers on the London Underground:
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines,see if I care, I'm going home."
"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels"
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and back home each day and not even a card. "The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line - simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the person in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off: "Hi, my name's Gary, how do you do?"
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly ... usually in bits."
"Please mind the closing doors ..." The doors close ... The doors reopen. "Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors." The doors close ... "Thank you."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
As we came in to land at Mangere Airport The assistant pilot was at the controls. He touched down on the tarmac and the next moment the plane was bumping across the grass. "Gosh" said the assistant pilot hanging onto the flight controls, "That was a short runway" "Yeah" said the pilot sardonically, "but look how wiiiide it is"