Medical Jokes

1     Doctors

Why was the doctor irritable? Because he had no patients.

Patient: "Doctor, what shall I do, I keep thinking I'm a dollar bill?" Doctor: "well go shopping, the change will do you good".

Doctor to patient about to have an operation. "Have you eaten?" Patient, "Yes." Doctor, "Good. I hate working on an empty stomach!"

Patient: Doctor my hands won't stop shaking. Doctor: Do you drink a lot? Patient: No, I spill most of it!

Patient: I feel like I'm a pack of cards. Doctor: I'll deal with you later.

Patient: I feel like I'm a pair of scissors. Doctor: Well, you can cut that out for a start!

Patient: I feel like a pair of curtains. Doctor: Now, pull yourself together.

Patient: Doctor, people keep ignoring me. Doctor: Next please.

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a cash register. Doctor: Come back later and tell me if there's any change.

Patient: Doctor, hurry! I have only 59 seconds to live. Doctor: Wait a minute.

A guy walks into his doctor's office. He has an apple in his right ear, a tomato in his left ear, and carrots up his nose. He says, "Doctor, what's wrong with me?"

The doctor looks him over and says, "You're not eating properly."

2     Carpentry

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered the patients' recreation room. He found one patient sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half, and another patient hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asked the patient sitting on the floor what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor then asked him what the other patient was doing up on the ceiling. He replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor looked up and noticed the man's face was going all red. The doctor asked the carpentry patient, "If he's your friend, shouldn't you get him down from there before he hurts himself."

The carpenter replied, "What? And work in the dark?"

3     Accidents

One day in Heaven two men got chatting about how they had died. The first said he was ill for a long time. The second man said he died in an accident. He went on to say he had survived several accidents before the final one. He explained that the first time he had severed an arm and nearly bled to death, but was fortunate that someone nearby stopped the bleeding, put his arm in a plastic bag, packed ice round it and rushed him off to hospital.

In the second terrible accident his leg got cut off below the knee, but again someone put his leg in a plastic bag, packed it with ice, and rushed him off to the hospital.

"So how did you die?" asked the other man.

"It was in another terrible accident, and I got my head cut off. Then some silly fool put my head in a plastic bag and I suffocated!"

4     Dislocation

A man was in hospital having his dislocated knee put back in the right place. He kept yelling with pain, and the nurse got annoyed with him.

"Don't keep making so much noise," she said. "There's a woman down the corridor who's just given birth to a baby and hasn't made nearly as much fuss as you have."

"That's all very well," said the man, "But you see what she sounds like if you try putting it back in again!"

5     Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts

• "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
• "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
• "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
• "The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed."
• "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
• "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
• "The patient refused an autopsy."
• "The patient has no past history of suicides."
• "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
• "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."
• "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
• "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
• "She is numb from her toes down."
• "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
• "The skin was moist and dry."
• "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
• "Patient was alert and unresponsive."
• "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
• "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
• "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
• "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
• "Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
• "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."
• "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."
• "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
• "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
• "Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."
• "The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."
• "The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."