A bear went in to a cafe and sat on a seat with his paws on the counter.
- He said, "I'd like a salad sandwich and ................................................. a glass of lemonade."
- The waitress said, "Certainly, but why the big pause?"
- The bear replied, "I was born with them!"
Question: How do you stop a herd of elephants charging?
- Answer: Take away their credit cards.
Question: Why do bees have sticky hair?
- Answer: Because they use a honey comb!
Question: Why do bees hum?
- Answer: Because they don't know the words!
Question: What is black and yellow and flies around with its legs crossed?
- Answer: A bee looking for a B.P. station.
What do you call a crocodile with a camera?
- A snap shot.
If horses wear horseshoes, what do camels wear?
How do you get down from an elephant?
- You don't. You get down from a duck.
Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
- Because he had no body to go with.
When it's raining, what do you call a parrot under an umbrella?
Why did the farmer take hay to bed?
- To feed his nightmares.
If a lizard loses its tail where does it get another one from?
- A retail shop.
What do John The Baptist and Kermit The Frog have in common?
- Same middle name.
Where do frogs hang up their coats?
- In the croak-room.
Did you hear about the two kangaroos who got married?
- They lived hoppily ever after.
How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
- Quite a phew!
There were once two skunks named In and Out. When In was in, Out was out, and when Out was in, In was out. One day when Out happened to be in, Mother Skunk sent Out out to bring In in. Out returned very quickly, bringing In. Mother Skunk was surprised. "How, in all this great forest," she asked, "did you find In so quickly?" "Oh, that was simple," said Out. "In-stinct."
Mary had a little lamb, His feet were black as soot, And into Mary's bread and jam, His sooty foot he put!
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unusual way, being the donkey of a preacher. The only way to make the donkey go, was to say, "Hallelujah!", and the way to make him stop was to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!", shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.
"Amen!", shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!", said the man.
With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man travelled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.
"Stop", said the man, but the donkey kept on trotting along.
"Halt!", he cried, but the donkey just kept on going.
"Oh No! Bible! Church! Please Stop!" shouted the man, desperately trying to think of the words the preacher had used. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finally in desperation, the man said a prayer, "Please, Dear Lord, please make this donkey stop before I go off the edge of this mountain. In Jesus' name, Amen."
As soon as he heard 'Amen' the donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man.
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to a veterinary clinic for their injections. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the vet realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, the vet turned on the tap, wet his fingers, and moistened each dog's head when he had finished.
After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed the talkative client had grown silent. As the vet sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
- Thou shalt not feed me the same food twice.
- Thou shalt not tell me what to do EVER!
- Thou shalt not sit on my chair without permission.
- Thou shalt not buy furniture I cannot ruin.
- Thou shalt not feed the birds until I have positioned myself under a bush.
- Thou shalt not take me to the vet in a cardboard box.
- Thou shalt not buy a dog with teeth or legs.
- Thou shalt not rev up the car when I am under it.
- Thou shalt not put a lid on the goldfish bowl.
- Thou shalt not disobey the above or I will piddle in places you will not find.
Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible. But the accountant said his dog could do better.
He called to his dog and commanded, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better.
He called to his dog and said, "Fallout, do your stuff." Fallout got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive, but the computer tech knew he could top them all.
He said to his dog, "Hard Drive, do your stuff." Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an E-mail, and installed a cool new game.
Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow. They turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff, boy."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, assaulted the four other dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and went home for a six-month paid sick leave.
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm feeling just fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell y'all what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm feeling just fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was feeling just fine. Now several days after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into the ditch on the side of the road and Bessie was thrown into the ditch on the other side of the road. I was hurtin' real bad. My leg was broke, my arm was broke, some of my ribs were broke, and I had a gash in my head. I didn't wanna move. But, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in bad shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman come up on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' so he went over to her in the ditch. After he looked at her he took out his gun and put her outta her misery. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me in the other ditch. He said, 'Yer mule was in real bad shape. Two of her legs were broken, musta had some cracked ribs, and a bad gash in her head. I had to shoot her ... how're you feeling?'"
An old West Virginia farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old
farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would
come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
A man was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. As an atheist he did not believe in anything other than evolution.
"What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and suggested, "It would be hypocritical for me to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again, and the sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped his right paw ... brought both paws together ... bowed his head and spoke.
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful"
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the cheque. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman dog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the parrot drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Returning home from work, a woman was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Bill the chicken farmer had hundreds of hens, called pullets, and several roosters to keep them company. He put bells on the roosters so he could track which were working.
His favorite rooster was ol' Brewster. Unfortunately, Brewster's bell wasn't ringing, so Bill went to investigate. Brewster had the bell in his beak, so he could sneak up on the pullets. Bill was thrilled, and entered Brewster in the county fair.
Brewster was a sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Prize, but also the Pullet Surprise!
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer: " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,"I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away".
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?"
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat! The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, Your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ... dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan......."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. He says, "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a loan to take a holiday." When he tells her how much he wants, it is such a huge amount that Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. The kind of knickknack you see on people's shelves of ornaments. Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says, "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".
A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet. He walks into the pet store and goes up to the service assistant.
'Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet'.
The service assistant says 'I have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede'.
'Cool!' the man exclaims, 'I'll take it!'
The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says, 'Hey centipede, what about you and me go to the pub for a beer?'
The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks, 'I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask again.'
Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, 'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?' Again, the centipede doesn't answer him.
'Hmmmmm' the guy thinks to himself, 'I'll just go off and watch some TV, come back and ask him again'.
Half an hour passes and the guy returns to the centipede. 'I'll just ask him one more time' he tells himself.
'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?'
The centipede looks up at the man and says, 'For goodness sake man I heard you the first time, I'm putting my shoes on!
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two boll weevils grew up in Mississippi. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Well things had tightened up in the farming fraternity and the stockbroker was finding it pretty tough, No one was buying anything and weren't interested in selling much either, so he decided he had better get out of the office and onto the road to visit a few clients. Old Harry was a good bet, he dabbled in everything, a small dairy herd, some beef, some sheep, pigs, hens, even turkeys, besides growing a few crops.
Arriving at the farm the stockbroker decided to leave his car on the verge by the gate rather than unlatch the gate, haul the gate open, as the support post wasn't so upright nowadays, drive the car through, get out and close the gate, and then have to go through the whole procedure again on leaving. So he climbed over the gate, and walked up the drive.
As he was passing the pig pens he thought there was something peculiar about the way a big pig was stomping around. Taking a closer look he was amazed to see the pig had a wooden leg, had never seen a pig with a wooden leg. So he goes on up to the house and Harry's missus answers the door and tells him that Harry is round the back of the new haybarn fixing the tractor. Sure enough the stockbroker finds Old Harry in the shade at the back of the new haybarn fixing the tractor.
After the usual chatter about the weather, the downturn in the economy etc. the stockbroker asks Harry about the pig with the wooden leg. "Oh him's a rare pig is that one", says Harry, "Owes me life to that pig, a real fine pig he is". "How come" says the stockbroker. "Waal" says Harry, "Ya see this hyer new haybarn of ours, twasn't hyer the last time ya came was it?" "No it wasn't" says the Stockbroker "Why did you build a new haybarn?" "Waal" says Harry "T'other one got burnt down, and if it hadn't been for that pig I'd a been a gonna".
"Well that sounds interesting" says the Stockbroker "What did the pig have to do with it" "Waal it's like this" says Harry "It was a hot day, I'd been up early milking the cows. Then when I got them back to pasture, I needed to move the beef stock and discovered the fence was broken, after repairing that, I needed to muck out the pig pens which is a hot filthy smelly job. By then, it was soon going to be milking again, and I was fair nackered, so I went into the shade of the haybarn sat on a bale of hay, and lit a smoke. The next thing I knew was coughing and spluttering and then being dragged out of the barn. That there pig must have broken out of his pen, and grabbed me by me overalls collar and pulled me clear. By the time I started to come to, the barn suddenly errupted into flames, and the pig was standing over me lookin pleased with hisself" "Well how amazing" said the stockbroker "But what happened to his leg" "Waal, like it was Christmas coupla' months ago, and the Missus, she insisted on havin' a ham" said Harry, "And well, He's a rare pig that one, saved me life, couldn't bring meself to kill him."
Little kid comes in crying, his pet turtle is dead. Dad goes outside, and sure enough there lies the turtle upside down next to the pond, no sign of life, they poke it , turn it up the right way, but all to no avail. Kid's really bawling by now so Dad says it's okay we'll buy another one, Kid bawls even louder, doesn't want another one wants his one alive. Dad thinks hard, "Guess we'll have to have a funeral" he says. "What's a funeral" sobs the little boy. "We invite a few of your friends over, we dig a hole, Put the turtle in a box and put it into the hole, cover it over, and say a prayer. Then we have a party, Crisps and cakes and biscuits, followed by jelly and icecream, then a treasure hunt and games".
Kid's looking happy now. "Can Tom and Jimmy and Roger come". "Yes son". "And can they stay the night". "Well that's okay if they are allowed to". And just then the turtle walks off and into the pond, it's come back to life. Kid starts bawling again. Dad says "Hey son everything is okay the turtle wasn't dead after all" Kid bawls away, won't be consoled. Dad says "What do you want me to do son" Kid says "Kill the turtle".
Bill had been married for fifteen years and one night he took a friend home to dinner. As they entered the house Bill's wife came running up to him, threw her arms around his neck, and kissed him affectionately. "You're a lucky guy Bill" said his friend. "Married for fifteen years and you still get a welcome like that when you come home." "It doesn't mean a thing" said Bill. "She only does it to make the dog jealous."
A big gorilla hanging with both hands onto a branch high up a tree, a small gorilla lying crumpled on the ground underneath, big gorilla's saying "didn't I tell you not to scratch your bum with both hands at the same time?"
A motorist's car broke down while on holiday touring Ireland. While he was staring at the engine perplexed, a black horse trots up, looks at the engine, and tells him how to fix it, then trots off. The motorist follows the horses instructions, and drives on to the next village where he stops for a clean up and a pint. he tells the bartender about his experience with the horse. "Was it a black horse or a white one?" asks the bartender. "A black horse" says the motorist. "You're lucky" says the bartender, "the white horse don't know anything about cars".
A woman went into a butcher's shop to buy a chicken. The butcher produced a chicken, the last chicken he had for sale and the woman said, "Have you got one a little bit bigger?" "Just a minute," said the butcher and he disappeared into the back room with the chicken, where he plumped up the bird so that it looked bigger. Returning into the shop. he put it down on the counter and said, "How about this one?" "Fine" said the woman, "I'll take both of them."
A man tried to get on a British Airways flight with a little Yorkshire terrier under his arm. The stewardess told him that dogs were not allowed on board. So he went to the shop and bought a pair of dark glasses and a white walking stick. This time he was greeted by a different stewardess who said, "It's quite unusual to see a Yorkshire terrier as a guide dog sir, they're usually Golden Labradors." "You mean this isn't a Golden Labrador?" said the man in surprise.