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Funny Philosophy

 

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened

 
  • Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
  • There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
  • When I am feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. (Not really)
  • If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  • Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
  • A penny saved is a government oversight.
  • The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
  • If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  • The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
  • Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
 

For all of us trying to stay in shape...

This is a good workout...

I started by standing outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extended my arms straight out to my sides and held them there as long as I could.

After a few weeks I moved up to 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level

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