Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better at using the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
- They did spreadsheets.
- They wrote reports.
- They sent faxes.
- They sent e-mail.
- They sent out e-mail with attachments.
- They downloaded.
- They made cards.
- They did every known job.
But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming. "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God just shrugged his shoulders and said: Jesus Saves!
The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had modern seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first."
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony."
"So," asked the young priest, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But Father," protested the young priest. "People coming to Confession have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, my son, but the flashing neon sign 'TOOT 'N TELL OR GO TO HELL' has to go."
A good Irish catholic girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said 'Hmmm they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London.'
The girl took his hands and said 'Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute.'
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly.
"I'm a gonner - killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute? That was a close one - I thought you said Protestant.
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate," says the old monk.
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'" The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week."
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten". As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonelyas a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. While he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed ....... I'm a prawn again Christian!"
A man walked into the ladies' department of a store and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
- "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
- "Type?" inquired the man, "There is more than one type?"
- "Look around," said the saleslady, as she indicated a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
- "Actually," said the saleslady, "Even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
- Relieved, the man asked about the types.
- The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
- Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple ...
- The Catholic type supports the masses.
- The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
- The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.
- And the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
This novice fisherman really wanted to go ice fishing. He'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning a comfy campstool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the fisherman moved further down the ice, poured a hot drink from the thermos flask, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The fisherman, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up the campstool, and tried again to cut a hole. The voice came once again, even louder. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The fisherman stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to instal voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages (including Hebrew and Latin) press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy Spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security number followed by the dollar sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.
For reservations to heaven, please enter ST JOHN followed by the numbers 3 and 16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life on other planets, why men and women are so different, etc, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, so please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local minister of religion.
Thank you, and have a heavenly day.
The Archbishop of Canterbury was making his first official visit to the U.S.A. His advisers advised him that he would need to be careful in answering any questions. As he disembarked from the plane a group of media reporters descended on him, and one thrust a microphone at him an said 'Say Archbishop what do you think of all the brothels in Manhattan'. The Archbishop deciding on caution and possibly a little weary replied. 'Are there any brothels in Manhattan?'.
Next day the headline news in the daily paper was, First thing Archbishop of Canterbury asks when he arrives 'Are there any brothels in Manhattan?'.
The economic situation had been bad for some time, lots of people unemployed so the Bible Society decided to do something about it. In the old days sales people went door to door selling Bibles, so deciding to do something to help, they advertised for people to do this. They only received three replies, one a Methodist, one Presbyterian, and an Agnostic. The Agnostic had a bad speech impediment, but was very keen as no one else would employ him. They decided to give him a try as pay was by way of commission only. The first day started with a pep talk, and they were told to read a few favourite scriptures to potential buyers, each was given a supply of Bibles and told to report back at 4.00pm
All three were assembled at 4.00 and the administrator asked how they had got on. The Methodist said he sold six, the Presbyterian eight and the Agnostic forty two. The others looked at the Agnostic in amazement and asked how he had sold so many. Well he said iiit wwwas eeasy rererealy, wawawhen someone ooopened thththe ddddoor aaaI wwwould ppput mmmy ffffoot in ththe dddoor and aaaask ththem iiif ththey wwould lllike tatato bbbuy a BBBible...... or wwwould thththey lalalike mmme ttto rrrread iiit to thththem.
The Pope was making his first visit to America. Headline news in all the papers and pictures of the Pope. the Mayor of New York the Senators and all the other local dignitaries assembled at the civic centre beforehand and set out in a cavalcade for the airport. Unfortunately they were caught up in a massive traffic jam soon after leaving and had to abandon their intention to meet the pope at the airport. The Mayor sent one of his aides to phone a car hire outfit at the airport to lay on the best limousine they had, and a chaufer to be dressed as resplendently as possible.
The plane landed and the Pope alighted and the chaufer, dressed in a dark green uniform, lots of gold braid,peaked cap, rows of medals, was there to greet him. The chaufer escorted his eminent guest to the stretch limousine they had supplied. When the Pope saw the stretch limousine his eyes lit up, unknown to most people he was a car fanatic, but of course due to his position he never got to drive any more, and had never been in a stretch limousine let alone drive one. Seizing his opportunity he managed to persuade the chaufer to sit in the back, while he, the Pope drove the limousine, the chaufer had been instructed to provide the Pope with his every wish, so he couldn't really argue. Well soon they were out on the motorway, the chaufer guiding on the intercom, heading in a roundabout way to avoid the congestion in the inner city.
Then there's the sound of a siren wailing behind them and a motorcycle cop pulls alongside waving them to pull over. the Pope stops the car and the cop parks behind, notes the number walks all the way to the front of the stretch limousine and checks the number, you never know it might be different. The Pope by this time has found the button that winds down the electric window. the cop struts up to the driver and says 'What's your hurry mate'. then he realises he is looking at the Pope. he looks in the back of the limousine then rushes back to his bike. He picks up the radiophone and asks for the Police Commandant. He says Boss I've really gone and done it this time I've pulled over someone very important. The Commandant says well who is it. is it the Mayor? No Boss, more important than the Mayor. Well is it the Senator? No Boss more important than the Senator. Well is it the President himself? No Boss, must be more important than The President, I don't know who he is, but the Pope himself is driving him in a stretch limousine.
Two missionaries knocked on a door, an elderly lady answered. One of the missionaries said 'lady we've come to tell you all about the hereafter.'She was delighted to hear this and invited them in for a cup of tea.After they had picked themselves up off the ground, they accepted the 'in' but not the 'tea'.
Now tell me she said I have been wanting to know about the hereafter for a long while, I go into a room and look around puzzled. And I will do this a number of times a day, and I will say to myself 'What am I hereafter', So I am so glad you have come to tell me.
Many years ago there was a great drive in the Christian churches for unification, a great hullabaloo about the churches being one faith instead of all the divisions in Christendom. There was a big conference to be held in a city in the midlands. The ministers of a distant city decided to hire a coach to attend the meeting and thirty two ministers of various churches were on the bus.
During the dinner break three ministers were discussing the affairs of their respective churches, and how they used the collection money. The Presbyterian Minister said that after the congregation had all left he would take the collection into the adjoining hall where he would stand facing along a line painted across the hall, throw the collection into the air, and all the money that landed on the right side was the Lords for the running of the church, and all that landed on the left was for himself. The Methodist Minister said that he did something similar and he took the collection into his hall when everyone had gone, where he had a six foot circle painted, and he would stand in the circle and throw the collection into the air and all the money landing in the circle was for him and all that landed outside was for the upkeep of the church. They both looked at the Church of England Minister, he said "Oh men of little faith, when The Lord and I divide the takings I take the collection into the hall, I look up to heaven and I say, are you ready Lord you know the drill, and I hurl the takings upwards, the lord takes what he needs and what is left lands on the ground for me."
On the return trip the coach was traveling beside a deep ravine, a truck traveling in the opposite direction burst a front tyre as it approached on a bend, and swerved towards the coach, the coach driver automatically swerved towards the safety rails to avoid the truck. The coach crashed into the rails and the truck hit the coach which toppled into the depths of the ravine and the river flowing through it. The thirtytwo clergymen were all killed only the driver escaped.
Well shortly afterwards there are these thirtytwo clergymen ringing the bell outside the Pearly Gates, St. Peter opens the gates and welcomes the Ministers and takes them through to the reception. He tells them that he will dispense with the usual interrogation until morning and they can go to the desk and collect a key to their rooms and get cleaned up and have a good nights sleep. Just then an Angel rushes in, comes up to St. Peter and whispers in his ear. St. Peter calls out that there has been a change of plan, that they are about to be visited by an important man who has put the fear of God into the hearts of many men. He directs some of the Ministers to collect the royal red carpet in the corner and roll it out from the reception area to the Pearly Gates, and for the Ministers to line up 16 each side as a guard of honour. St. Peter then walks through the guard of honour to open the gates.
In comes a man dressed in a black suite, black shoes, black trilby, black gloves, black tie, black socks, carrying a black briefcase, but he was wearing a white shirt. St. Peter welcomes the man warmly and escorts him through the guard of honour to the reception where he orders the key to the executive suite, then he calls two Angels, one to carry the briefcase, one to show the way, carry the key, and open the door to his suite. In the meantime the Ministers have gathered together and are inquiring of one another as to who the important visitor can be. One Minister said I recognise him he is a member of my Parish, he only comes to church once a year, and never donates to the church, I wouldn't call him important, He's a tax inspector. Just then St. Peter rejoins the group of Ministers and one of them says to St. Peter what was so important about the man in black, he is only a tax inspector, whereas we are men of the cloth. St. Peter takes a step back looks the Ministers up and down and says. "Do you know - that man - all on his own, has put the fear of God into more men than all of you lot put together."
The Pope called together a meeting of the cardinals and said "I have some good news for you and some bad news. The good news is that our blessed Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, has returned to the earth for the long awaited Second Coming, and the Day of Judgment is at hand." There was an exalted silence for a few moments and then one cardinal said, "But Holy Father, with good news like that, what's the bad news?" "The bad news is that the information reached us from Salt Lake City."
A prize bull was on display at an agricultural show. It was kept in a special enclosure and there was a charge of $1.00 per adult to see the mighty beast, children free accompanied by an adult. A man with twelve children took his whole family along and the ticket attendant said "Are all these children yours?" "They certainly are" said the man. "Well you wait here a minute" said the attendant, "And I'll bring the bull out to see you."
A magician was on his way to India to perform a vanishing elephant trick for a Rajah, the magician had a pet talking parrot. On the way over by boat the magician was hired to perform magic to the passengers. Now the parrot had a nasty habit of calling out 'fake, fake' every time the magician made something disappear, the magician would get quite upset about this, and finally told the parrot he would think up a trick to fool him. A little while later the sirens went off, the ship was sinking fast. The magician eventually surfaced and found a piece of wreckage to cling onto. The parrot came fluttering down and alighted alongside the magician and strutted up and down squawking, finally it said 'okay okay, I give up, where is it'.
There was a man of 35 who lived with his mother, never married, and he had a pet cat which was the pride and joy of his life. He hardly ever went out other than to get the shopping, just doted on his cat. He even followed it in the garden to protect it from other cats and dogs, and looked after his mother. One day his less reliable brother came to visit, and said "Look Ted it's about time you had a break, you should go away overseas or something, have a holiday. Here's some brochures. you choose where to go and I'll arrange it, and I'll come and look after mother and the cat while you are gone."
Well eventually Ted's brother manages to convince Ted to go. Ted eventually finds the hotel in Austria where he is to stay, and as soon as he gets to his room he phones home, his brother answers the phone. "Hey why didn't you tell me no one here speaks English, by the way how's the cat." "Cat's dead" says his brother. Ted immediately faints under the strain and bangs his head on the edge of a chair.
It is late the next morning before Ted is sufficiently recovered to phone home again. His brother answers the phone. "Hey" says Ted, "You handled that badly yesterday, you could have broken the news more gently." "How" says his brother, "If the cat's dead, the cat's dead". "Well" says Ted "You should have done it in stages. The first day you say The cat's got into a bit of a scrap and it's climbed up onto the roof, the neighbour's getting a ladder to get it down. The next day I phone you you say I took the cat to the vet they've patched him up and kept him in for observation. The next day when I phone you you tell me the injuries are serious and they've put the cat in the cat hospital. And finaly on the fourth day you tell me the cat is dead. You got that?"
"Yeah" says his brother "I think so". "By the way" says Ted "How's mother". "Well" says his brother "Right at the moment mother's up on the roof, phone me tomorrow".
A veteran Sergeant training a squad of new recruits was out on a route march with his squad. He halted the squad and addressed the men. "Do you see that river down the valley" he asked, "Yes", said the men. Well that proves it is there. "Do you see that boulder up the hill there". "Yes", said the men. "Well that proves it is there". Pointing up to the sky the sergeant asked "Do you see God", "No" said the men. "That proves there is no God" said the sergeant.
There was an awkward silence then one of the soldiers asked if he could adress the squad. The sergeant gave his permission. The soldier stepped forward and addressed the men. Pointing to the sergeant he said "do you see the sergeant's tie". "Yes" said the men. "Do you see the sergeant's boots". "Yes" said the men. Pointing to the sergeant's head he asked. "Do you see the sergeant's brains". "No" said the men. "So what does that prove" He asked.
A Mother asked her six year old son what he had learnt at sunday school that day. "Well"! he said screwing his eyes up as he pondered, "We learnt about Moses crossing the red sea with the Israelites". "Tell me about it" said his mother.
"Well Moses was the General of the Israelite army, and the army were defending the Israelite people as they escaped from the Egyptians." The little boy was warming up to his story now and getting exited. "The Egyption army were chasing them so Moses ordered his commandos to the rear to fight the Egyption army and lay land mines and explosives to delay them. At the same time Moses sent the Engineers ahead to build a pontoon bridge over the Red Sea and then lay dynamite charges underneath. Moses stationed the Infantry in strategic positions at the bridge and got the people safely to the other side then radioed the commandoes to retreat accross the bridge while the infantry let off a heavy bombardment at the Egyptian army. He then ordered the infantry to race accross the bridge to safety. When the Egyptions discovered the bombardment had ceased they rushed onto the bridge and moses ordered the engineers to blow it up. All the Egyptions on the bridge were killed or drowned".
The boy looked expectantly at his mother. But his mother was looking puzzled. "Are you sure that is what your teacher taught you" she said. "Well" said the little boy defiantly, "If I told you what she told me you wouldn't believe it".
A man was at the airport awaiting his flight. He was a High Priest and he had arrived with plenty of time on hand. To fill in time he went to one of the shops and bought a packet of cookies and a paper and then went across to a row of seats. There were three seats in the centre of the row so he sat in the centre one placing his things on the other seats.
As he sat there reading his paper he saw out of the corner of his eye a hand reach out and open the packet of cookies and take one. He was aware there was a man sitting across the seat from him but decided to pretend not to have noticed. He reached out and took a biscuit himself. The hand came again and took another biscuit. The audacity of it he thought, but still we are taught that we should share with others, so deciding not to say anything he took another cookie. The man across the seat must have decided to keep ahead of him because there came that hand again and took another cookie, and still not a word. So the High Priest took another of his cookies. He decided to play the waiting game. Soon the hand was at it again and another cookie went. By the way, there is an end to this story. There were eleven cookies in the packet. Well it came to five each with one remaining in the packet. The High Priest wondered what he should do. It was the other man's turn, but after all, they were his cookies. Should he be gracious and in the true spirit of sharing let the other man have the remaining biscuit?
Just then the decision was taken from him. The hand reached out and took the last biscuit - broke it in half, and put half back in the packet. The High Priest took the remaining half and ate it. Just then a new flight was announced. The other man picked up the empty cookie packet and crunched it up, stood up and picked up his bags, smiled at the High Priest and walked towards the flight gates dropping the packet into a waste bin on the way. The next flight to be called was the High Priest's, he picked up his things and went off and boarded the plane, he was puzzling over the strange experience during the flight, and felt like sharing the strange incident with the lady sitting next to him, but she seemed busy reading a magazine, besides it would seem like he was blowing his own trumpet, to say what a good Christian he was, so he didn't. When he reached his destination airport he hired a cab to take him to the hotel, once again he felt like sharing the story with the cab driver but thought better of it.
Finally arriving at the hotel he booked in, went to his room, opened his bag, and there at the top of his bag was the exact same packet of biscuits he had been sharing with the man at the airport.