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Family Life

 
  1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
  2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
  3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
  4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
  5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
  6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
  7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
  8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
  9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
  10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's.
 
  1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
  2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
  3. Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
  4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
  5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
  6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the joy.
 
  1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
  2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
  3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
  4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
  5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
  6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
  7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
 
  1. You believe in Santa Claus.
  2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
  3. You are Santa Claus.
  4. You look like Santa Claus.
 
  • At age 3 success is ... not wetting your pants.
  • At age 12 success is ... having friends.
  • At age 16 success is ... having a driver's licence.
  • At age 20 success is ... having sex.
  • At age 35 success is ... having money.
  • At age 50 success is ... having money.
  • At age 60 success is ... having sex.
  • At age 70 success is ... having a driver's license.
  • At age 75 success is ... having friends.
  • At age 80 success is ... not wetting your pants.
 

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 20 square house 4 inches deep.

A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults' in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 kg. boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 3m. x 3m. room.

You should not throw cricketballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricketball a long way.

The glass in windows, even double pane, does not stop a cricketball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

Play dough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much jelly you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that strange smell is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire brigade in most city suburbs has a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their own body weight when dizzy.

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