Jokes of all kinds to make you smile.
A smile costs nothing, but gives much. It reaches those who receive without making poorer those who give. It takes only a moment, but the memory sometimes lasts a lifetime. None is so rich or mighty that he can get along without it, and no one is so poor but that he can be made richer by it. A smile creates happiness in the home, fosters goodwill in business, and is the countersign of friendship. It brings rest to the weary and cheer to the discouraged. A smile is sunshine to the sad and is nature's best antidote for trouble. Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed or stolen, for it is of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours as no one needs a smile so much as those who have no more to give.
A smile shortens the d.i.s.t.a.n.c.e. between two people.
Question: Why are you staring at that orange drink bottle?
- Answer: Because it says on the label, "Concentrate!"
Question: Why do nails always have a headache?
- Answer: Because the hammer keeps hitting them on the head.
Why was 6 sad?
- Because 7 8 9.
Why was 1 glad when 3 8 5?
- Because it left 2 4 6.
Question: Which is fastest - hot or cold?
- Answer: Hot. You can catch cold!
What has a tongue but cannot talk - a shoe.
- Has legs but cannot walk - a chair.
- Has a head but cannot think - a pin.
- Has eyes but cannot see - a packet of needles.
How can you spell candy with 2 letters?
- C and Y.
When did the alphabet contain only 3 vowels?
- Before U and I were born.
Why should you be careful about telling secrets in a vegetable garden?
- Because corn has ears, potatoes have eyes, and beans talk.
Did you hear about the hold-up in the yard?
- Two clothes pegs held up a pair of pants.
Why didn't the skeleton want to go to the party?
- Because he had no body to go with.
What do ghosts eat for dessert?
- I scream and boo berry pie.
what is purple and has sixty legs and big orange teeth?
- I don't know, but if you see one, run for your life!
Why didn't the woman get any sleep?
- Because she plugged her electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed.
Why do witches ride on broomsticks?
- Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
An American tourist walking around Windsor Castle was overheard asking, "The noise of planes taking off wrecks the atmosphere. Why did they build it so close to the airport?"
Do you remember that long word from the old film, 'Mary Poppins'? Supercalifragilistic Expialidosious. Well, here's the Indian version.
- Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath.
- This made him...what?
- A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!!
When God gave out brains I thought He said trains - so I missed mine.
- When God gave out looks I thought He said books - so I said I wasn't interested.
- When He gave out legs I thought He said eggs - so I asked for the largest size.
- When He gave out teeth I thought He said tea - so I said I didn't want any.
- When He gave out noses I thought He said roses so I ordered a big one.
- Oh boy! Am I a mess!
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
- He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
- The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat you get free drinks for the whole night."
- "Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
- "Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?"
- "No, but thanks anyway."
- "Why not?", asks the barman.
- "The steaks are too high."
The top seven things you should say when your boss catches you sleeping at your desk:
"They told me at the blood donor centre that this might happen."
- "Phew! Guess I left the top off the correction fluid."
- "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people."
- "Why did you interrupt me? I had our biggest problem solved!"
- "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
- "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic."
- "Amen. Yes, may I help you?"
Some people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm thick". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them for help or anything. It would be like, "Excuse me, would you ... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like the day my wife and I moved house. Our house was full of boxes and there was a rental truck in our driveway. Someone from down the road comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. When we got back we pulled his boat into the dock. I lifted up this big 'ol string of fish and this person on the dock calls out, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit - and there's only one way to test it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, "Tire go flat?"
I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me and sucked all the air out of this one! Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "darn that's hot!"
See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Someone sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman and her boyfriend are out in the woods hunting.
- All of a sudden the boyfriend falls to the ground.
- He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
- The woman whips out her cell phone and calls for an ambulance.
- She gasps to the operator, "I think my boyfriend just died. What can I do?"
- The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help.
- First, lets make sure he's dead."
- There is a silence.
- Then a shot is heard.
- The woman says, "OK, now what?
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth from the man's heartfelt memories of their life together.
"I think you're bad luck."
An old man lived alone in Idaho. When spring came he wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work, and he was unable to do it without help.
Unfortunately, his only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply: "FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the money!"
At 4:00 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen arrived and dug up the entire garden, but left without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened and asking what it all meant. His son's reply was: "You can plant your potatoes now, Dad. That was the best I could do from here."
For all of us trying to stay in shape, this is a good workout. I started by standing outside, behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extended my arms straight out to my sides and held them there as long as I could.
After a few weeks I moved up to 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, I wanted to make my friends aware of the next expected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations occuring soon, and make yourself a bundle of money.
- Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
- Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become :Polly, Warner Cracker.
- 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.
- Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge to become, of course, ZipAudiDoDa.
- Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and consolidate as: FedUP
- Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
- Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
- Knotts Berry Farm and the Nat'l Org. of Women will become: Knott NOW!
That's all I have right now. Invest wisely!
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
- Coca-Cola was originally green.
- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
- The American state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is Alask.
- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38.
- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
- The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
- The youngest pope was 11 years old.
- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesa.
- 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,32.
- If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
- "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
- Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that make them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
- What occurs more often in December than any other month? Conception.
- Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace.
- Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? Obsessio.
- If you were to spell out numbers, like one, two, three, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? One thousan.
- What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laserprinters all have in common? All invented by women.
- What is the only food that doesn't spoil? Hone.
- There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? Father's Da.
- What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? He was allergic to carrots.
- In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
- It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.
- In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's.
- Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
- In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by e-mail. (Does YOUR e-mail work without a telephone line?).
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
My daughter went to a local fast-food place and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that eyes-glazed stare.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know I already got that side."
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
Now don't you feel better?
- Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken out skin?
- Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?
- Why is abbreviated such a long word?
- Why is a boxing ring square?
- Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
- Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?
- Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
- Why is it that to stop your computer, you have to click on Start?
- Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
- Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
- If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
- If two planes almost collide in mid air, why is it called a Near miss?
- If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
- Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
- What do chickens think we taste like?
- What do people in China call their good plates?
- What do you call a male ladybug?
- What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- Why didn't Noah swat those two fly's & two mosquitoes?
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
- Why do they call it a pair of pants, but only 1 bra?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of Progress?
- Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
- Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
- Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
- How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
- If the local store is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
- If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
- If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
- If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
- If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a Drive-up ATM?
- Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
- Birds of a feather flock together - and mess on your car.
- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
- Did you ever notice about the Inland Revenue Service when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
- The main purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
- Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
- A penny saved is ... a government oversight.
- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
- He who hesitates is ... probably right.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
- "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
- "I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
- "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
- "My wife." said the man.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk."The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
- Half the people you know are below average.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
- If you have an open mind do your brains kept falling out.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Found in Britain....and remember, it's their language!
Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK, OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Two pieces of string went into a pub and asked for a couple of pints. "Sorry we don't serve pieces of string here" says the bartender. The pieces of string left the bar and decided to disguise themselves and try again. So they they tied themselves into a knot and frayed the ends, and went back into the bar and asked for a pint. "Aren't you the two pieces of string who were here before" said the barman. "Fraid not" said the pieces of string.(Frayed knot)
An Australian was fishing when suddenly he heard a voice from overhead. "There are no fish under the ice" the voice boomed. The Australian dropped his rod in panic and said in a trembling voice, "Is that you God?" "No", thundered the voice, "I'm the manager of the ice rink.
There was this salesman who travelled all over the west monday to sat afternoon every week. One Saturday afternoon he arrives home and his wife comes rushing out to greet him her face flushed with exitement. "Guess what she said, and without waiting for him to guess she blurted out I've bought five hens and two roosters so we can have our own eggs". "Honey" he laughed "Everyone knows you don't need two roosters for five hens". With a glint in her eye his wife replied "You sure as heck does if one of them's travelling all the time".
At our last Stake Conference one of the Speakers had a novel way of starting his talk. "Brothers and Sisters" he said "It is usual to start a talk by either telling a story or telling a lie. Well I don't have a story so I would like to thank the Stake President for giving me the opportunity to speak to you today."
To understand this story you have to know that in the old days when I was little, children had a potty under the bed in case they wanted to go in the night, and also when it was dark and cold children used it before going to bed.
There was an Insurance salesman who travelled out in the wagwaps of America visiting the farms straddled around the countryside. and he had many clients and would visit them once a year at least. He would arrange to stay overnight at the farms as he went around. On this particular night he finished his business with the farmer around 8.00pm and the farmer said that they all went to bed early as he had to get up early to milk the cows. The Insuranceman would be sleeping in the spare bed in his eight year old sons bedroom. So the Insuranceman sees to his normal ablutions and he and the boy are changing into their pyjamas at the same time. the boy kneels down beside the foot of his bed and the Insuranceman feels impressed and reverently kneels down beside him. The boy looks at the man in surprise and says "What are you doing", the man says "well the same as you", The boy says "cor you won't half cop it if my Mum finds out, she hasn't put a potty at your end of the bed".
On another occasion the Insuranceman was running late for his evening call due to having had a breakdown, realising there was no way he was going to reach his destination until well after dark as it was now dusk, he decided to pull in to a farm he hadn't been to before, after all he might be able to get some extra business as well as a bed for the night. He knocks on the farmhouse door and the farmer opens the door.
The Insuranceman explains his plight and asks if the farmer could put him up for the night. "Waal don't rightly know about that", says the farmer, "we does have a spare room with a spare bed in it but the little red headed school teacher lodges with us and sleeps in the other bed". The Insuranceman realising he is about to miss out on the spare bed says "look I'm a responsible married man, I have high moral values, I will be on my best behaviour, if you will let me have the bed for the night I promise I will be a perfect gentleman". "Waal" says the farmer scratching his head, "guess that should be allright then, the little red headed school teacher is a perfect genlman also".
Was on a plane the other day sitting next to a businessman and couldn't help noticing he was wearing his wedding ring on the wrong finger. After a while I felt I should point it out to him, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger" I said, "Sure am" he said, "Married the wrong woman".
A door to door salesman knocked at the door of a typical suburban house in Melbourne. "Good morning" he said, "Would you like to buy a copy of 'Five Hundred Excuses to tell your Wife for Staying Out Late'? "Why on earth would I want a book like that?" said the lady who answered the door. "Because", replied the salesman, "I sold a copy to your husband at his office this morning".
An old Aussie farmer went to his doctor for a medical examination. His doctor had told him to bring a specimen with him, and he handed over a large bottle, which was nearly full. The doctor examined the specimen and then said, "Excellent - nothing wrong with that at all". When he got home some time later, the farmer said to his wife, "Good news dear,. Neither you nor I, nor the kids, nor grandpa or grandma, nor the horse have a thing wrong with us!"
An explorer was walking through the Australian bush when he came across a snake lying across the path. He picked up a stick to hit it with, and then he noticed that it wasn't a snake at all but a stick. "I was absolutely terrified: he told a friend that evening. "But if it was only a stick," said his friend, "why were you terrified?" "Because," said the explorer, "the stick I picked up to hit it with, was a snake!"
This ventriloquist feller decides to go down to the pub and takes his dummy with him, that way he gets free drinks while he entertains his mates. Well he's sitting there with the dummy on his knee and the dummy is telling Irish jokes. There's a big brawny guy leaning against the counter, six foot four in his socks, he is not looking pleased about the jokes although the ventriloquists mates are all chortling away. Eventualy he walks over to where the ventriloquist is sitting and shoving his way through he stands in front of the ventriloquist and says. "I'm fed ip with all your jokes about me countrymen, we may not be as daft as you are making out." The ventriloquist apologised profusely and said he had not ment to offend anyone, and promised not to tell any more Irish jokes. the Irishman said, "Oh, it's not you I,m annoyed with it's your son sitting on your knee, he's the one making fun of me."
Henry and Nancy were an older couple and had moved out west when Henry had retired. They had a small holding with a two room cabin, fruit trees, berry bushes vegetable garden, chickens, goats, pigs, a milking cow, and a whisky still. Henry also did a bit of shooting and trapping. Every few weeks they would hitch the horse to the buggy and ride off to town, trading with the other farmers on the way. Then they would sell all their surplus and the furs from Henry's hunting and trapping, purchase the supplies they needed and head back to their cabin. Well it seemed they had just about everything they needed. Then, one evening as they were having dinner Henry said "You know Nancy, there's one thing I reckon we're missing, I reckon one of them clocks that cuckoos, the ones with the weights hanging down would set our little cabin off just right. What do you think Nancy? Well Nancy agreed, and they discussed where to put the clock when they had enough money to buy one.
On their next trip to town, after they had done all their trading and purchasing they went along to the store and were able to purchase a cuckoo clock. It was late afternoon when, after wrapping their precious clock in blankets and wedging it securely in the back of the buggy, they headed off to their two room cabin. It was nearly dark when they arrived home, and so while Nancy prepared a meal, Henry saw to the horse, fed the animals and then installed the cuckoo clock on the wall and set the time. when they had nearly finished their meal out popped the cuckoo ten times performing perfectly, Henry and Nancy were delighted with their acquisition.
They sat there in silence for a little while, then Henry said "You know Nancy it would be a shame to leave that cuckoo to cuckoo all night to himself, how about if we sit back in our chairs with a blanket and keep him company, he's gonna have a real big job at midnight and we oughta give him a bit of applause'. So they stay up all night in their chairs waking with a start every time the cuckoo emerges. The next evening Nancy says to Henry that she is too tired to stay up another night so Henry agrees to let her go to bed while he stays up to look after the cuckoo. Well everything goes OK until midnight, when after cuckooing twelve times the cuckoo carries on, 13, 14, 15, and Henry is getting alarmed, 16. Henry jumps up and rushes into the bedroom, and shakes Nancy, 17, "quick Nancy he says wake up, wake up". Nancy wakes and the cuckoo goes for the 18th time, what's the matter says Nancy. "I don't know" says Henry "but that there cuckoo is about to cuckoo for the nineteenth time in a row, and it's never been as late as this before.
Gannaway and O'Casey arranged to fight a duel with pistols. Gannaway was quite fat, and when he saw his lean opponent facing him he objected. "Debar" he said, "I am twice as fat as he is, so I ought to stand twice as far away from him as he is to me. 'Absolutely logical but how can you do it?' "Be easy now" replied his second. "I will soon put that right." And taking a piece of chalk from his pocket he drew two lines down the fat man's coat, leaving a reasonable space between them. 'Now," he said, turning to O'Casey, "fire away, and remember any hits outside those chalk lines don't count."
Mrs Moskowitz was bursting with pride. "Did you hear about my son Louie?" she asked her neighbour. "No what is with your son Louie?" "He is going to a Psychiatrist. Twice a week he is going to a psychiatrist." "Is that good?" "of course it's good. Ninety dollars an hour he pays - Ninety dollars - and all he talks about is me."
Back in the 1950s, My time, one of the best ways struggling new talent could start on the road to fame and fortune was to appear on a nationally televised program called the "Ted Mack Amateur Hour." A singer from Tenessee tried out for the show, but failed the audition. Today few people remember the Ted Mack Amateur Hour, or any of the winners of the auditions. But every year, long after his death, the legend of the singer who failed the audition grows. His name - Elvis Presley.
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the lane and worked their way to the other end of the lane. At the last house a woman looking out of her window watched the man and trainee as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the supervisor challenged the trainee to a foot race back to the truck. As they came running up to the truck, they realised the lady from the last house was huffing and puffing right behind them . They stopped and asked her what was wrong?
Gasping for breath , she replied, "When I saw two gas men running for all they were worth up the lane, I figured I had better run too!"
A group of hunters in the depths of an African forrest decided to split up and meet back in the clearing three hours later. It was agreed that if any of them got lost, he would shoot into the air three times to alert the others. After about two hours one member of the party found himself hopelessly lost, so as arranged he shot three times into the air. Nothing happened, so he shot three times more. Nobody came. "I hope somebody comes soon" he muttered to himself, "I've nearly run out of arrows."
A soldier serving overseas received a photo from his girlfriend which showed two couples arm in arm while she sat alone to one side. In the accompanying letter she explained she was being very good and saving herself just for him. Delighted, he showed the photo and letter to a friend. His pal studied them carefully and then said, "yes but who took the picture?"
Once I was on a long distance trip and I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went into the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...
"Hi there, how is it going?"
OK, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but I replied: "Not bad I guess."
Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back east to see some friends and just try to relax..."
Then I hear the person say: "Look, I'm going to have to call you back. Every time I ask you a question, some idiot in the next stall keeps answering."