Humour for People Who Have Reached the Age of Maturity
Welcome to an age of discretion, discernment and discarding of outmoded ideas.
- Being over 40 doesn't mean being over the hill.
- Rather it means that you've climbed further up the mountain.
- So your view of life is more expansive,
- the knowledge gained is more extensive,
- and your toys are more expensive.
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 30 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 30 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, " I didn't recognize you."
- Financially successful
- A caring listener
- In good shape
- Dresses with style
- Appreciates finer things
- Full of thoughtful surprises
- An imaginative, romantic lover
- Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
- Opens car doors, holds chairs
- Has enough money for a nice dinner
- Listens more than talks
- Laughs at my jokes
- Carries bags of groceries with ease
- Owns at least one tie
- Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
- Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
- Seeks romance at least once a week
- Not too ugly (bald head OK)
- Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
- Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
- Nods head when I'm talking
- Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
- Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
- Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
- Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
- Remembers to put the toilet seat down
- Shaves most weekends
- Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
- Doesn't belch or scratch in public
- Doesn't borrow money too often
- Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm talking
- Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
- Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
- Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
- Appreciates a good TV dinner
- Remembers your name on occasion
- Shaves some weekends
- Doesn't scare small children
- Remembers where bathroom is
- Doesn't require much money for upkeep
- Only snores lightly when asleep
- Remembers why he's laughing
- Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
- Usually wears some clothes
- Likes soft foods
- Remembers where he left his teeth
- Remembers that it's the weekend
- Doesn't miss the toilet!
An American newspaper challenged readers to explain to today's youngsters how much harder life was in the old days:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed barbarian warrior was chasing you with an axe, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
In my day, we didn't have dogs and cats for pets. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip.
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We did addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had some fingers amputated.
- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
- There is always one more thing to think of, than you counted on.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
- How come wrong numbers are never busy?
- Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
- Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
- Does killing time damage eternity?
- Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
- Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
- Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
- Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
- Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
- Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
- Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
- Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
- Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
- Do jellyfish get wind from eating jellybeans?
- Do pilots take crash-courses?
- Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
- Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a coin?
- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
- Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
- How can there be self-help "groups"?
- How do you get off a non-stop flight?
- How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
- How many weeks are there in a light year?
- If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
- If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
- If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
- If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
- If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still stroke them?
- If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Guide cookies made out of?
- If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
- If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
- If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
- If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
- If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
- If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
- Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
- Why do they call it "chilli" if it's hot?
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
- You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.
- You enjoy watching the news.
- The phone rings and you hope its not for you.
- The only reason you're still awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion.
- You're proud of your lawn mower.
- You start singing along with the elevator music.
- You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
- You routinely check the oil in your car.
- You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style - twice.
- You no longer think of speed limits as challenges.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- 8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in.".
- You write thank you notes without being told.
- Neighbors borrow your tools.
- You answer a question with, "Because I said so!".
- Others ask for your recipes.
- You start Christmas shopping in August.
- You don't like to drive after dark.
- You say, "Turn that music down!" too often.
- You point out what buildings used to be where.
- You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.
- You rake the yard without being told to.
- You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch t.v.
- The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.
They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. I have recently been diagnosed with Maturity Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it goes - I decide to wash the car. I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'll go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the rubbish bin is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the bin out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox later on, I'll pay these few bills at the same time. Now, where is my cheque book? Oops, there's only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk. Oh, there's my drink. I'm going to look for those cheques. But first I need to put my drink further away from the computer so it doesn't spill, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.
I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the drink on the counter and notice, there are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I should put them away. I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots.
Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We will never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and on to the floor, I throw the remote on to a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?
End of the day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the rubbish bin is still full, the drink is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the cheque book still only has one cheque in it and I can't seem to find my glasses, the TV remote or my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG! Worse still I've just realised what the initials of my condition stand for. Maturity Attention Deficit Disorder. M.A.D.D.
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...
"Get off," she said, "they're for the funeral."
A middle aged woman seemed nervous as she visited her doctor about a 'woman's complaint'.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange," suggested the woman.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet, and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "There were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
"You're simply going through the change!"
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near and he was sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee."
I asked, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
I asked again, "Well so why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."
I asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
He sobbed, "I can't remember where I live!"
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm 'older' here's what I've discovered:
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter ... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You change your underwear after every sneeze.
- You have to write post-it notes with your grandchildren's names on them.
- Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
- You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
- "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
Go back in time.... Before the Internet and DVDs. Before shootings,stabbings, joy-riders and crystal meth...Before SEGA or Super Nintendo. Way back...
I'm talking about hide and seek in the park. The corner dairy, hopscotch, go carts, cricket in front of the rubbish bin, skipping, handstands, footy on the biggest lawn in the street, bullrush, go home stay home, slip'n'slide, the trampoline with water on it, hula hoops, pogo sticks, jumping in enormous puddles, mud pies and building dams in the gutter.
Summer lasted all holidays, and it hardly rained, and when it did you would see half your class at the pictures. The smell of fresh cut grass and making birds nests on the school field. 'Big bubbles no troubles' with hubba bubba bubblegum. A choc-top Mr Whippy cone on a warm summer night after you've chased him 'round the block. When 20 cents worth of mixed lollies was a meal and smoking fags was really cool. Watching cartoons on TV ... short commercials, the Thunderbirds, Scooby-do, Captain Caveman, Hong Kong Phooey, The Mickey Mouse Club, Josie and the pussycats, and "Hey he-eeeey heeeeeeey it's Faaaaaaat Albert". And staying up late on a long weekend and watching the Sunday Horrors.
When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like going somewhere? A million mozzie bites, wasp and bee stings. Sticky fingers. Cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, riding bikes and catching tadpoles. Swimming in the neighbours' pool, drawing all over the road with chalk. Climbing trees. Walking to school, no matter what the weather.
Running till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights, spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for the giggles. Being tired from playing... Remember that? The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Chopper bikes, ape hangers and banana seats and long fluorescent flags streaming out behind your bike ... eating raw jelly, making homemade lemonade.
Remember when... There were two types of sneakers - girls and boys, and the only time you wore them at school, was for "sports day." You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents! You would roller-skate everywhere - all day. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve. When nobody owned a pure-bred dog. When 20cents was decent pocket money and 50cents was rich. When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there from school. It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at Cobb and Co with your parents. When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to that which awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! And some of us are still afraid of them!!! When you spoke to adults by calling them Mr or Mrs whoever, and Auntie or Uncle rather than their first names.
Remember when.... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly". The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was a cold, and the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one of the opposite sex. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot. Nobody was prettier than your Mum. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable vitamin C. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Going to the beach and catching a wave was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dare". Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or of these, then you have LIVED!
It takes a while to read these lines, by Andy Rooney, but they give an enlightened perspective.
I've learned that ...
- The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
- Just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
- Having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
- Being kind is more important than being right.
- You should never say no to a gift from a child.
- I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
- No matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
- Sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
- Simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
- Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
- We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
- Money doesn't buy class.
- It's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
- Under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
- The Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
- To ignore the facts does not change the facts.
- When you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
- Love, not time, heals all wounds.
- The easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
- Everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
- No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
- Life is tough, but I'm tougher.
- Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
- When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
- I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.
- One should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
- A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
- I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
- When your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, you're hooked for life.
- Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
- It is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
- The less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
- No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
- You can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
- Regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
- Making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."
- Life sometimes gives you a second chance.
- You shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
- Whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
- Even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
- Every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
- People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
I've learned ... that I still have a lot to learn.