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What I have Learned about Child Rearing

 

You wouldn't let a burglar steal your T.V., stereo, microwave, or purse, without making a big fuss, but you let your baby steal your sleep, your child steal your energy, and other people steal your self worth.

If a baby over the age of 6 to 9 months is not ill, it needs to learn that night is the time for sleep, not play or conversation, and just have a nappy change if it is needed, or a mouthful of water, and be tucked down in bed again. No talking, no cuddles, no nice comfortable times in the middle of the night, nothing. Just sleep. It may help to write down each evening the time your child goes to bed, how long it takes to get settled, and what time the waking occurs. Sometimes after a few days, a pattern is seen that can more easily be re-routed. It is very difficult to do this, and may need a relative who is willing to help for a few nights to make it happen, until a new habit is formed. Have a set bedtime that is kept to, and a half-hour routine before bedtime as a transition from daytime to night. Then if waking occurs in the night, brace yourself to keep to your decision. Far easier to establish this from the beginning, but often that is easier said than done!

A good principle to remember is that your child is an honoured guest in your home, but it is still YOUR home. You are in charge. You make the rules. If there are times as your child grows older when your decisions are not liked or agreed with, then so be it. You are not there to be liked all the time as your child's best friend, you are their parent, and are there to give the upbringing that will teach the child how to be a happy, responsible adult. It is time consuming to teach children who are quarreling, how to see the other person's point of view, while still valuing their own ideas. It seems easier to say, "Sort it out yourselves," but they don't know HOW to. Once they have been shown how to have their say, and to listen to the other person, and continue this backwards and forwards until the matter is sorted out, they will see there is a better way than using their fists. Eventually, they will carry this method over into all their dealings with people, and in the end it will save your energy

We teach people how to treat us by the amount we let them get away with in how they speak to us, and how they behave towards us. Sometimes we accept behaviour from a family member that we would not allow from someone outside the family. This may be because we get used to being treated badly, and do not notice when it gradually gets worse. We must stop and think, "Is that all I am worth? Is that how I would think someone else should be treated?" If the answer is, "Of course not!" then do not allow it to go on. Go to someone for help and advice, your doctor or nurse, Citizen's Advice Bureau, church minister, or an older friend. Do not let family or friends steal your self worth.

 

A programme to increase children's safety was developed by the New Zealand Traffic Department, in the mid 1980's. Tauranga was chosen as a middle-sized city to test it. A yellow line was painted on the footpath, near the road, and pre-school children were taught they were not allowed to go over the yellow line unless they were with an adult, or someone similar, and holding their hand. Previously, children heard, "Don't go near the road, or you'll get run over," or "Mind the cars don't hurt you." However, they knew they crossed the road every day without getting run over, and went for a ride without the car hurting them, so they knew these things were not true.

When the yellow lines were painted there was a boundary set up which they could understand. If they went past the yellow line, they were brought in from their play and made to sit in the house, not allowed to play for a short length of time, till they were bored, and could see "cause and effect".

The same principle can be used in danger zones around the house. For instance, if a saucepan is boiling on the stove, not only must the handle be turned inwards, but the child needs to be kept away from the stove. A row of shoes, or blocks could be lined up across the kitchen doorway, and the child given this as a boundary. Be creative in setting up boundaries in necessary areas, but do not have too many, or they lose their effect.

 

Children need to grow up knowing there will be no compromise on basic family values, and no argument about them either. If something is right, there is nothing to argue with. For instance, if one of the family values is 'No hitting' then there is no compromise about that. This, though, has to be thought about when the children are little and a decision made about smacking. How is it right to smack someone when they are smaller than you, but wrong for them to hit you when they grow up? Is it wrong for them to hit each other - if you hit them? Sometimes we 'hit' with our words, instead of our fists. The principle is still the same.

If 'honesty' is one of the family values, then the child must not be punished for owning up to breaking something. The object could perhaps be paid for out of pocket money, but there should not be punishment for the actual breakage. A child should never be punished for telling the truth.

If it is known a certain T.V. programme, film or event the child wants to attend will have unacceptable standards, then the event will be put 'out of bounds'.

There can be discussion explaining the family values, but in the end, there is nothing to argue with, so soften the child's disappointment with, "Would you like a biscuit, dear?"

   

All people need straight A's - Attention, Affection, Admiration, Acknowledgement, Achievement, Approval, Appreciation, Acceptance, Affirmation. Even Admonition is needed but make it positive and able to help the person do better in the future.

 

Some of the most useful, low-cost items to help children learn, begin with the letter B.

Bubbles - blowing them, and washing hands with them, bathing in them - one of the best places to put a tired child is in a bubble bath - or a tired adult, come to that!

Balloons - can be used for games indoors or outdoors, are light to carry in a pocket, and inexpensive.

Boxes - come from most grocery stores, and can be glued, painted, cut up, and made into all sorts of creations - or even hidden in!

Books - needed for learning and relaxation by everyone from the age of 3 months up - yes, 3 months!

Blocks - wooden blocks teach balance and dexterity. How high can they be stacked up before overbalancing? Blocks can be laid out around the room to form roads and obstacle courses. Stick simple pictures on the sides of some of the blocks and a child can find the pictures that match. Stick on lower-case letters and a child becomes familiar with the alphabet and can form simple words from them.

Buttons - teach grouping according to colour and size. Then each person can choose 3 buttons that have something the same about them all, and explain, colour, size, texture, holes. There is no right or wrong, only different opinions and creative discussions. Make sure the children are old enough not to put buttons in their mouths, and pick up any dropped on the floor that babies may find.

Birthday cards, Christmas cards and magazine pictures can all be cut up to create notelets to post to grandparents, or a collage to hang on a child's bedroom wall.

By-gone era clothes from an op shop for dressing up in - hats, skirts, shoes, necklaces, handbags, scarves. Wash them all first.

Blankets over a table create a tent to sit in for meals or stories.

Bread - make it together. All that mixing and kneading is fun to do together, and the baking smell is wonderful. Feed bits of old bread to birds in town or ducks in the park.

Biscuit making is fun, creative, talkative - and you can eat the results!

 

The world, would be a better place with more C's - and not just for children, but adults too.
Caring, Consideration, Co-operation, Consultation, Commandments.

More useful C's are Craftwork and Colouring-in. While making something with children, or colouring a picture, you can be talking together. Doing something that requires no concentration means your mind can flow from one thought to another. Often children will open up to talk about what is bothering them when you are involved in an easy activity together.

Charts work well. You can see at a glance what is done, and what is not. It does not get ticked till it is done. Not half done. Have a 'shop' stocked with small items costing very little. Let children choose one at the end of a week of good work. Adults get paid at the end of the week, so why shouldn't children? Remember, there must also be some things that are done unpaid, to help the family along.

 

Discussions formulate Decisions forming Democracy. Decisions are best made at a Family Conference. This can be an informal chat in the kitchen with a drink and a biscuit, or in a more formal setting, seated around the table with a written agenda, and someone taking brief minutes to read at the next meeting. Each person is listened to, with no-one else talking. You could have the person talking holding a piece of purple paper or some other object that indicates they have the right to speak. No-one else can interrupt, or speak unless they are holding the piece of purple paper or other symbol of the right to speak. Recognising that another person has the right to their own opinion, even when it conflicts with yours, is the beginning of democracy. Democracy is based on truth. Truth is the foundation of freedom.

 

Every child absorbs the way its parents live and tends to continue that behaviour on into the next generation. Every worthwhile event we achieve will carry its effects into eternity. One of the most important words in our lives is Every. It is the things we do Every day that determine what kind of life we live, and ultimately our destination in eternity. Pray Every day. Read some of the scriptures Every day. Pay tithing on Every bit of money earned. Be honest in Every action. Give your best to your calling Every week. Go Home Teaching or Visiting Teaching Every month. Go to the temple Every month, or more. Give service at Every opportunity.

 

Feelings and emotions are a baby's first language. Little children 'feel' and recognise our state of mind. They know when we are happy, sad, angry etc. Everyone has the right to their own feelings, but not to act on them in a way that is dangerous to others, such as when venting anger.

 

Generosity. Show children how to have a generosity of spirit. By your own attitude of sharing and caring towards other people, children will learn to be like this too. Do not expect a child under the age of about 4 or 5 years to share their toys or other special things as they simply have no concept of sharing until around that age. Christmas is a good time to give unwanted toys, or even new ones, to a special collection, and to make gifts for family and friends, but do not limit these activities to only one time of the year. Discuss with children what we have in our lives every day that we are grateful for, and how we can share our advantages with others.

 

Here! Have a place where your children must meet if there is an earthquake, fire or other disaster. Practise crawling in the dark to that place so everyone knows what it would be like if there was smoke all around. I used to have a whistle that I blew every so often and our children had to come running, and see how fast they could reach me. I would count in seconds and they used to try and better that number every time. They had to leave whatever they were doing and run to the whistle, and the only exception was if they were in the toilet. Often they would have a reward for fast running, but not always. Sometimes I used the whistle if I heard quarreling, but not very often as I wanted to keep the whistle as a novelty.

 

'I' statements are clear for others to hear. I love you. I am proud of you. I am cross with you. I am fed-up with what you just did. I am so glad you are in our family. I need time to myself for one hour. I need a hug. All these are 'I' statements. They let other people know what we are thinking and feeling. They are short. They are specific. They do not nag or criticise. We need to communicate like this with children - and adults.

 

Joy. The joy you feel when you look at your newborn baby may fade with experiences of diarrhoea and vomiting, family quarrels, dismal school reports, hospital visits, juvenile shoplifting, teenage pregnancy, drug offences, or even death. Do not be alarmed! This is a real human being you are raising. The challenges are vast, but the rewards are great - if you manage to live that long! So look for joy in the little things of life, and you will find they are there, even though at times they are hard to see.

 

Kindness. There is no substitute for it. Children have an inborn sense of fairness. Channel it with kindness towards them and they will grow with a desire to better the world they live in.

 

The other letters of the alphabet are interesting but the main aims of life are written with the letter L.

Live, Love, Learn, Listen, Laugh. Your Left hand is a great teacher of these 5 important aspects of our life, and the real reason we are here, as the thumb and first finger form the letter L.

Live. We are here, first, to gain a body to put around our spirit. We already are a spirit, a person, when we are born. People often forget that, or do not know it, and treat a baby as a "blank slate" instead of realising this is a fully grown-up, adult spirit we are dealing with. The spirit could not arrive in an adult body, though, as it needs to be born into a family who will see it as a helpless baby and form a strong attachment to it, while looking after it. Imagine a mother trying to bottlefeed a grown adult. It is laughable. She could not do it. But the way people speak to, and behave towards, a child is not always so laughable, and they would not do that if they could see the grown adult there.

Love. We have to be taught how to love by first being given love.

Learn. We learn many things, but the greatest thing we ever learn is to love.

Listen. We learn to listen even before we are born. We have 2 ears and only 1 mouth, as an indication that it is twice as important to listen as it is to speak.

Laugh. We need the positive, healthy effects of laughing. We need to teach ourselves and our children to see the funny side of life, otherwise it becomes an endurance test.

 

Memories are the glue that holds families together. Take photos of all the special occasions, and some of the ordinary ones too. Put them in some sort of book as soon as possible. When photos are left they accumulate until they become an insurmountable job that gets left for 20 years! Photos that are not looked at and enjoyed might just as well not have been taken.

 

Nursery rhymes teach the memory how to take one sentence and peg another on to it. They help a child learn new words and how to talk. They are colourful, rhythmic, funny, and a shared activity.

 

One. One thing at a time. One day at a time. A friend of ours, the mother of 9 children, who was a cub leader and worked night shift as a maternity nurse, managed to do more than anyone else I knew. She told me she just concentrated on one main thing at a time, and when that was done, she went on to the next thing. Of course, she was speaking generally, as she did several smaller things as well, at the same time as the 'main thing', but the principle is to deal with the main priority first. The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. When life is extra stressful, sometimes all you can do is get through one day at a time.

 

Praise and pride are two words that have become unpopular because people do not want their children to grow up conceited. As they get older we spend so much time telling children all the things they are not doing right we forget to praise them for what they have done well. Adults get paid money for doing a job well, children do not get this and need praise for their achievements. Remember how proud you were when your baby said that first word or took that first step? Do not lose your sense of admiration just because that baby is now an adolescent! They are still learning new things - some of them not so praiseworthy, but they will gradually move away from those if you keep on praising the good stuff.

 

Questions! Questions! Questions! Will they ever stop! Unfortunately, yes they will stop when your child has left home, so make the most of the time you have together and learn all you can alongside your child. See the world with new eyes and discover all the incredible things you never realised were there before.

 

Reading. If there could be just one thing changed about family life in any home, in any country, that would help to change the world, it would be to turn off the T.V. for 20 minutes and read to children EVERY day. Most libraries are free for children's books. Many schools have books children can borrow. Go and have a look at them, and borrow some for yourself.

 

Special. Create special times such as picnics and bonfires at the beach or river, watching the stars in the night sky, library trips and stories round the fire, sports events and shouting yourself hoarse with encouragement, making biscuits and gifts for other people, telling stories of your own childhood and weaving the generations together. Events such as these cost little in terms of money, but the 'pay-off' is immense.

 

Time. People try to reduce their guilt feelings by saying it is quality time that counts more than quantity time spent with children. In fact, children need both. Often, love is spelled T.I.M.E. Children do not care how clever, rich, famous, or goodlooking you are - or are not! Children just want to know they are really important to you, and you love them. Before the age of 4 years, children need to know they are indispensible to the complete happiness of their parents. Not that you could not manage without them, or that life revolves around them, but that you love and value them so much your life would be the poorer without them. When they each know this they relax and do not have to strive for dominance in the family. The quarrels grow less and they learn the meaning of the word T.E.A.M. - Together Everyone Achieves More.

 

Useful skills for children to learn are basic campcraft and how to survive outdoors, how to grow a few vegetables, do easy sewing, cook simple foods, manage pocket-money, practise basic first aid, so they can build on those ideas later. In fact, by the age of 14 years, children should know the basics of how to be self-sufficient for when they leave home.

 

Value. Your child will pick up your personal values as unconsciously as breathing, but it is also important to talk together about what your family values are. Most schools and businesses have a mission statement of what they stand for. Work out with your children what your family values are and write a mission statement. Put it in some place where it will be seen every day. Now is the time to get it right, not in 10 years time when you see results that make you wish you had tried harder. Value your children, and tell them so, and they will grow up with confidence in their own abilities to succeed in the world and a willingness to help others.

 

Warm water has a soothing effect on children, probably because that was what they lived in before they were born. From babies to teenagers, children of all ages benefit from a bath, or shower, and not just for getting clean. Because young children should never be left alone in the bath I used to take mending, knitting and letter writing to the bathroom to do while my children played in the bath. They enjoyed it, and I caught up on things I wanted to do, so we all came out of it feeling better.

 

X is the symbol for the unknown. Raising children is definitely venturing into the unknown. It is the most difficult job in the world. There is no training, no pay, and very often no-one to ask for advice exactly when you most need it. Fortunately, X is also the symbol for a kiss and there will be plenty of those in a loving family.

 

You. You are the only one who can change your situation. When life is going wrong and you want to make some changes, but don't know where to start - look in the mirror!

 

Sleeping ZZZ's are what you need to be successful, whether you snore or not! Most problems seem worse when we are tired. Or maybe it is really that when we are overtired things get worse and become real problems.

   

Some newborn babies cry almost the whole time they are awake, and they seem to be awake an awful lot! The first language a baby learns, before learning words, is 'emotional feelings'. Unfortunately babies pick up feelings of insecurity in parents whether they are new to parenting or not. This makes the baby more nervous, with more crying, leading the parents to become even more distraught. Eventually the parents are crying as much as the baby and this leads to despair and possible violence. The cycle needs to be broken by practical help from a doctor, nurse, extended family, and others in the community.

  1. Get a check-up.
  2. A paediatrician specialises in the care of babies and children and should examine the baby to find out if there is a physical cause for the crying. Often there is nothing specific to find, and the only conclusion is that babies arrive in this world in an 'unfinished' state. There may be some part of the baby's inside that is not yet 'finished' and is hurting, but will gradually get better as the baby grows. It takes up to 9 months for this finishing stage to be complete, with most of it being done in the first 3 months. In a kangaroo the baby would spend this time in the mother's pouch, but human babies do not have this option. However, it may help to simulate a pouch to carry the baby around in which is why baby-slings can be very helpful. Some mother-and-baby clinics offer help during the day, and your family doctor can arrange for this, or a referral to a paediatrician. Some parents may wish to consult a chiropractor or osteopath who specialises in baby care as the baby's neck may have been damaged slightly during the birth process. Bones may press on nerves causing headaches or difficulty with feeding.

  3. Ask for help.
  4. Do not try and get through this stage on your own. Start with your doctor or nurse, family or friends, whoever you feel comfortable asking. Go out as much as you feel able to, even if the baby is crying, as it does not sound so loud when you are outdoors! Generally, if the baby is not unwell it is safe to go out in winter except in snow and fog, as long as you have a good pram cover to keep the rain off, and of course the baby is warmly wrapped up. At all times of the year, but especially in hot weather, make sure there is no sun shining directly on to the baby. Do not worry people that will think you are no good as a parent if your baby is crying. Most people are sympathetic and want to help, but do not want to intrude until you ask them to.

  5. Make life as easy as possible.
  6. If ever there was a time for using all the modern conveniences of life, this is it. As much as possible use a washing machine, drier, disposable items, microwave dinners, and whatever else you can think of. On the rare times when the baby sleeps - you rest and try and sleep too.

  7. The baby joggle.
  8. For some reason it seems to help if a crying baby is held upright near your shoulder while you step from one foot to the other, making a low noise that can only be described as a dirge! But wait, there's more! As you step from one foot to the other, give a slight jog. At the same time, slowly rub your hand round the baby's back in a slight circular movement. The noise you make is low and monotonous. It is not so much a song as a boring noise that changes from one note to the other with each slow step. Do not be tempted to compete with the loudness of the crying, but keep the dirge low. Maybe it is the sheer monotony that eventually sends the baby to sleep!

  9. Music.
  10. Babies are soothed most by the human voice singing to them. They are too young to know if you have a good voice or not, so do not worry at all about how you sound. Babies also like low, slow music, with a soft beat about the same speed as their mother's heartbeat, that was the most constant sound to them before birth. Even if you do not like slow classical music, you may want to play it if it gives you peace and quiet.

  11. The baby's view.
  12. Try to see life from the point of view of the baby. He or she has suddenly been thrust into a strange new world, not speaking the language, and having to ask somehow for all the most basic bodily functions to be taken care of. We would all cry in that situation, and want a cuddle, a warm drink, a clean bottom-end, soothing words, soft, slow music, and to feel safe. Babies are the same as big people, but in a smaller package!

 

When Owen was around a year old he started doing breath-holding. This usually occurred when he did not want to eat something he was being spoon-fed. He would shut his mouth, turn his head away, and gradually go blue in the face until he slumped semi-conscious in his highchair. It is difficult to describe how panic stricken and helpless parents feel when they see this happen to their child. We were advised to 'play it down' and not let our child see how terrified we were. Much easier said than done, but we became quite good actors and would smile and chat as if nothing unusual had happened and blow on his face to get him to take a breath. Because we acted as normally as possible Owen did not learn to use it as a tool against us to get his own way, and the phase passed within a few months, but it can go on for a few years in early childhood. It is always advisable to consult your doctor about the first episode to make sure there is no other cause for the child suddenly not breathing.

 

When toddlers throw tantrums it is because they are not old enough to know the words to express how utterly frustrated they feel. They have no control over their world and are at the mercy of the adults around them. They have to go out and come in, sleep, wake, eat and even go to the toilet when adults tell them to. How would you like to live like that? It is no wonder things get beyond them sometimes and they let off steam, usually when the adults are feeling frustrated too. It is best to put them in a safe place until everyone has calmed down, then have a cuddle, a warm drink and a story.

 

Some children simply do not need as much sleep as others - or as much sleep as their parents wish they had! Often this is a sign of a child who has a very active brain and wants to know everything that is happening in the world around. If this is the case, there is no way to switch this off, and neither would you want to as you will be proud of that child's intelligent ability later on.

We have to walk a fine dividing line between arranging interesting things for babies and children to do, and not over-stimulate their minds to the point where they can not relax and sleep. Try to take the child out in the late afternoon for a walk to use up some energy and move some muscles. Do not expect a child to sleep in the evening after a long sleep during the daytime. There will need to be several hours between waking from the daytime sleep and going to bed at night. Ensure the child is warm enough in the bedroom, even after climbing out of the blankets.

An organised routine often suits this kind of child with a definite time for bed. The child may not go to sleep straight away, but can lie looking at mobiles and pictures on the wall or in books. After the usual bedtime routine do not fall into the trap of sitting with the child till sleep takes over, or making frequent visits to the bedroom. Children must get used to being awake when they go to bed and then drifting off to sleep, otherwise they will not learn how to wake up in the night and drift off to sleep again. See the article on this site called Don't let your Baby be a Burglar.

 

Nightmares happen at any age, for very little children or grown adults. For all ages the recipe is the same: comfort for the immediate situation, and knowledge of how to deal with nightmares in the future.

Owen had nightmares at age 3 years. We always took his fears seriously and showed him he had the right to have his feelings respected. We put a cardboard box next to his bed so all the bad dreams and other things that worried him, could fall into the box in the night. In the morning we taped the box shut so the bad dreams could not get out, then took the box out to the rubbish collection. We used this same treatment for the nightmares our other children had in later years and it worked just as well for them.

Craig had nightmares several times around 11 years of age, which turned out to be caused by a maths teacher whose expectations were too high. Even though Craig was excellent at maths, his work was never given much appreciation, and he was told he could always do better. We would sit on the settee with Craig wrapped in blankets, while we talked about what happened in the nightmare. We talked about the scary things that might have happened in the end. Then we worked out a happy ending for the nightmare in which Craig was more powerful than the scary situations. We encouraged him to shout at whoever was scaring him and chase them away. He usually ended up smiling about it, and could see that he was in charge of his dreams. We gave him the power to act for himself, even when asleep. Therefore he no longer had to fear falling asleep.

 

Fraser's lunches at primary school got bigger and bigger, but he still came home hungry. From a chance remark we discovered he was taking food for another boy in his class. If he did not, he was bullied. We went and talked to the bully and told him we knew someone in Fraser's class was being unkind to him and we wanted him to be a special friend to Fraser so they would be able to work together on the problem. We told him that as a family we would not tolerate bullying, and that if it continued we would all arrive at the school to sort out the bully. At no time did we mention that we knew who the bully was. We invited him to our home after school and at weekends and the bullying soon stopped.

Try and make a friend of the bully and you may eliminate the problem. It is not always as clear-cut as that, and it may be best to involve teachers and other parents. Perhaps a school meeting could be held to bring the problem out in the open. Bullies are usually people who are afraid their family and friends do not like them. Behind bullying is fear. Behind fear is anger. Behind anger is pain. The pain must be attended to or it will continue to errupt as anger and bullying.

 

Children often quarrel because they are in a conflict situation they do not know how to handle and hope the noise of the argument will bring an adult to sort it out for them. If the situation is sorted out in their favour, they will be pleased they quarrelled and got help. If things did not go their way they can at least feel sorry for themselves, and can use this injustice to fuel arguments in the future.

Any conflict situation takes time to resolve, and often occurs when there is the least amount of time or energy to sort it out. This may be the cause of some of the quarrels. Before looking at your children's emotional state, look at your own. If there is illness, death, pregnancy, a new baby, unemployment, overtime, house moving, or many other situations that happen in life, the parents will be under stress themselves.

Any conflict that involves one person in the family, involves the whole family.

You can not teach what you do not know, so parents must talk together about their own problems before they can hope to sort out their children's quarrels successfully. Otherwise it is like a weed that spreads out its roots underground. You may pull out the weed you can see, but there is a whole lot more hidden away underneath, ready to spring up again when the conditions are right.

Some ideas that might help deal with conflict.

 

Some children are able to concentrate on reading a book, doing a puzzle, or other activity while others flit from one thing to the other like butterflies. This may simply be their personality in enjoying change, and seeing what is going on around them, but a certain amount of stability needs to be taught. Check what they are eating. Some children react more quickly to sugar than others do. Read the labels on packets of food so you learn the amounts of sugar in processed foods. Give as much fruit and vegetables in their natural state as possible. Give water to drink instead of cordials.

Some children become the 'clown'. This again may simply be their personality and it is good to encourage their sense of humour. However, it may be a way to cover up the hurt they feel when with other people and they feel inferior. Maybe they are being bullied, or maybe they actually are the bully. We do not like to think of our own children doing this, but if it can be faced as a family, the child will gain strength from that support. After all, bullies usually feel inferior themselves and sometimes they genuinely do not realise the hurt they cause to others with their remarks or actions.

When you stop and view the world from the child's point of view, they are in an extremely vulnerable position. Changes happen in their world which they have no control over, and are not even consulted about. Parents change jobs, do shift work, move house and even split up or have another partner move in, without much or any consultation with the children. Imagine if your spouse brought in another partner to live in your house and told you that you would all be one big happy family now. You would feel shock, horror and incredible resentment of that person. Yet children have a new baby brother or sister arrive who they are supposed to treat with love and affection. Or when the parents remarry there is a new partner, and often other children to share their parent, their home and their possessions with.

Butterfly or clown children can be diabolical to live with. They are impulsive and may be prone to rages and tantrums. They break things, especially other people's possessions. They constantly lose their own possessions, or other people's. They cannot seem to remember what they are told no matter how many times they are reminded of something. They can be one child at school and a completely different child at home. They are often very untidy, not only in their bedroom, but in such things as their writing, and in fact reading and writing are a great trial to them. They often fidget and are in perpetual motion, and seem to have an excess of energy to use up.

Find ways to use this energy to your advantage. When they are little take them outside to parks and playgrounds to run off their energy. Then bring them home and into a warm bath and later read a story to them. If there is one thing that could change family life in a major way it is to turn off the TV and read to your children, at whatever age they are. Make simple crafts with them. Cover the furniture with an old sheet and let the children get their fingers in the glue, glitter, playdough, paste and paper. Older children can be encouraged into sports, athletics and swimming, and to walk or ride a bike to school instead of being taken in the car. Go with your child to sports activities so you can talk about what happened, and the people involved. Often these butterfly children will only talk about what is on their mind when they are moving. It is as though when the legs are moving the mouth gets into gear as well. Walking home from sports is an ideal time to form bonds that will enable your child to trust you enough to talk about problems and feelings they feel too vulnerable to discuss at home or school.

Set up your child for success. Find at least one thing that the child is able to do and build on it to make it a real success. You may have to start off with something really small and insignificant like, he shut the door quietly. Comment favourably on it immediately, then search straight away for one more thing to praise. Keep it going. Do not give up. It may be a lifeline not only for your child but for yourself. It may, in years to come, lessen the emotional havoc caused by a troubled teenager in your family. Often parents do not know who to turn to or what to do. Start by looking at your child's life through their own eyes. You might be surprised at what you see. Does the child need something that money cannot buy? Maybe make up a short story about a child with problems similar to your own child's and ask how that person could solve some of the difficulties. Sometimes a simple change in the timetable in getting up half an hour earlier can reduce the stress in the home.

   

No-one likes to talk about nits, much less have them, but they are a common problem to be dealt with. They are passed from child to child so easily it is difficult for most children at pre-school and school to avoid them. They are not a sign of a dirty head as they prefer clean hair, indicating a healthy child who is therefore a better meal-ticket.

Once you have adjusted to the horror of finding little insects crawling around on your child's head, and have stopped scratching your own at the thought of it, get to work with special shampoo bought at the local pharmacy. This must be accompanied by washing the child's sheets, pillowcase, hairbrush and comb in hot water. The blankets must be taken outside, shaken well and hung on the washing line for a few hours, if possible. The shorter the child's hair the easier it is to examine it in future, but do not cut it so short the child feels vulnerable. It is better to give the same treatment to everyone in the family all at one go, otherwise the nits can be passed from one to the other. Repeat the treatment as indicated on the shampoo bottle, usually in about a week or two, when previously laid eggs are able to hatch out. Nits occur much more frequently in spring and summer when the weather is warmer. Nits can be kept at bay with Tea Tree oil in the rinsing water after shampooing.

 

Another problem no-one likes to think they have is threadworms. If a child is irritable, not sleeping well, and scratching their bottom, they may have worms. These are so minute they can hardly be seen at all, and are just like a tiny piece of cotton thread. Get some medicine from the pharmacy and give it to all the family because if one child has this problem, the others probably have as well as it is passed on from hand to hand so easily. Repeat the medication as directed on the bottle, usually in about 2 weeks. Nightclothes and sheets on the bed need to be washed at the same time.

 

These are often called School Sores as they are so infectious they are very easily picked up from other children at school. Cold sores usually occur around the mouth and are also very infectious. We meet infections all the time every day but do not become ill with them as our body's defences swing into action and fight them off. When children are tired, emotionally stressed or fighting off a cold or some other infection already, they are less able to deal with infections from sores. Any small cut, graze or eczema can then be infected and spread to any other place the child scratches.

You need to ask for advice from either your doctor, nurse or pharmacist, depending on how many sores there are. It is better to deal with only one or two, but when there are many a doctor needs to treat them. If an antibiotic needs to be prescribed, increase the amount of water that is drunk, and give Vitamin B complex tablets from the supermarket. Hands must be washed after touching the sores or the infection will be passed on to wherever the child scratches next.

Look at what your child is eating. Does this include plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables, or is there quite a lot of convenience food being eaten. Until you write down absolutely everything your children put in to their mouths during the course of the day, you may not realise how much processed food and drink are being taken in. Lollies, cakes, biscuits, icecream, flavoured yoghurt, several breakfast cereals and many drinks are mostly sugar, and sugar will feed any infection so must be stopped straight away, despite the grizzles when this happens. The human body needs a lot of water each day to flush out infection and other impurities. We have moved away from drinking water because flavoured drinks have become available, but usually they do more harm than good.

A child may be under stress at home from a rushed timetable for everyone to get to work and school, or to after-school activities. Stress may be occurring at school with bullying, inability to keep up with school work, not being good at sports, or not being part of the 'popular' group. Simply getting through the dark, damp days of winter can cause stress to everyone, including children. Look for ways to simplify the day-to-day routine and fix earlier bedtimes for everyone. Perhaps go to the library and get several picture books for children to look in bed before going to sleep. Read aloud to them. People of all ages enjoy being read to.

 

A paediatrician I used to work with often said to patients, "There's no such thing as 'just a normal cough'. It is never normal to have a cough." A cough is the body's way of getting 'stuff' up from the tubes in the lungs and into the outside world. At first it will be white, changing to yellow the longer it stays in the lungs or sinuses. If it stays there it will collect like a stagnant pool and become infected. This is when there is greenish mucous coughed up, or sneezed out of the nose. If the tubes of the lungs are damaged with the effort of so much coughing they may bleed slightly and bloodstained mucous will be seen.

People who are ill and lying in bed, or well and slumped over a computer, or lounging in front of a T.V. are all prone to having little movement in their lungs. This means the mucous will build up in the breathing tubes and become more and more infected. People who are already ill need to be treated by a doctor. The remedy for those not in bed is to get out in the fresh air and do some deep breathing several times a day, have a good cough, blow their nose, and then come in and have a warm drink to recover from all the activity.

   

These are most commonly on the knees and are a painful way of learning most of the activities of childhood. After a quick hug, put the child in a warm bath as soon as possible and put the grazes under water. You will probably have to put the child's leg under water yourself, and hold it there amid the screaming, as they will tearfully resist. Keep the grazes under water about 20 minutes until all the dirt has soaked out. If after that time there is still dirt in the graze, you may have to hold the leg under water and gently scrub the graze with a clean facecloth. Just grit your teeth and do it. This will be very difficult for both you and the child, and afterwards everyone deserves a hug, a warm drink and a story!

 

When children have a bad fall, such as from the climbing frame at school, and you are not sure if they have a head injury, it is best to have them checked by a doctor. After this check their eyes every hour for about 8 hours even if they are asleep. Shine a torch in each eye separately, lifting up the eyelid, and watch that the black pupil shrinks smaller. Check that the pupils of both eyes are the same size as each other. This checking is the reason people sometimes do not let a child go to sleep after a bad fall, but it is all right to sleep as long as you check the eyes. If there is vomiting, prolonged drowsiness, or bleeding from the ears, contact your doctor straight away.

 

One of the most frightening times is when a child chokes on food. This is something parents really need to know about before it happens. When someone is choking there is no time to read a first-aid book. When you take your baby to the doctor or nurse for a baby-check, ask for advice and a demonstration with a doll, as to what to do, so you are prepared.

 

Children stick the most amazing assortment of small objects in their ears and up their noses. It is tempting to try and get them out, but usually this only results in pushing them further in. Then parents get frustrated at not getting the objects out and the ear or nose can be injured. It is much better to consult a doctor who will use special instruments to safely guide the object out. Sometimes a persistent runny nose is caused by an object stuck up there and causing blockage and infection.

 

Most bee stings occur on the feet or legs from children running barefoot on the grass. The foot will be painful and swollen for several days and needs to be kept up on a footstool higher than the hips to help the swelling and infection drain down the leg to the bigger veins in the groin. An antihistamine cream from the pharmacy is very soothing on the skin, and medication may also be advised by your doctor.

Insect bites may also be soothed by applying antihistamine cream to the skin. Baking soda dissolved in cool water and swabbed on the skin with cotton wool may also be soothing. Of course, none of the first aid books tell you how to cope with a perfectly healthy child who can not run around for a few days. Books, puzzles, games and T.V. are all that stand between you and insanity!

A very few people are allergic to bee stings and swell up in an alarming way, and may choke to death. They must be treated immediately by a doctor, or an ambulance called. After this they will be given medication to carry with them at all times.

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