Missionary Jokes

A young man is set apart to be a missionary. After the setting apart his stake president reminds him that he now must act like a missionary. The young man is troubled and asks the president, "You know I have a girl friend. Will it be alright for me to give her a kiss good-bye at the airport?"

The stake president considers this and says, "I'll tell you what, you can kiss her if you kiss her the same way you kiss your mother."

The young man thinks for a moment and then asks, "Can I warn my mother first?"

It was late fall or early winter, and Elder Thurman was bemoaning the lack of snow in our Southern California town, while his Utah hometown was enjoying good "skiing weather." One evening, following a particularly good DA, the homesick elder and his companion were riding down a long, sloping street when Thurman sat up, took his hands off the bars and put them in his pocket while leaning left and right in a slalom course down the middle of the street.

Elder Sorenson lagged behind, knowing that trunkiness cometh before a fall and preferring to be an observer than a participant. Trouble soon arrived with the dip in the road, which left Thurman's bike out of control as he tried in vain to pull his hands out of his pockets. He and his bike slide along the curb before finally tumbling end over end, filnging tracts and discussion manuals all over Glendora, and Elder Thurman parted ways with his bike while Elder Sorenson sat on his bike, laughing . . .

. . .as Elder Thurman came to rest on the lawn of some people who had been watching this whole circus coming toward them. They ran to him asking if he was all right, and his instant response:

"Now that I've got your attention, what do you know about the Mormon Church?!"

I have always considered this the Ultimate Door Approach . . .

Many years ago we had an aquarium ... slowly, one by one, all of the fish died, but for some reason we kept the aquarium up and running for months afterward (I guess we were trying to decide whether or not to buy more fish). Anyway, the elders came over for dinner many times during those months and always looked in the aquarium for the fish. We told them that there was something special in that aquarium and that only the most righteous missionaries could actually see the fish. It was amazing how many of those elders saw fish in an empty aquarium!

I remember, when the missionaries came to my door, how interesting it was that they both had the same first name. An odd name it was, too: Elder.

Tonight the fulltime Elders came to our home for dinner....during our conversations one of the young men shared an experience that occurred a few months ago in their mission....it seems these sister missionaries had been teaching a "golden" investigator. On this particular evening the sisters called in to their district leader to report on the investigator's progress....The conversation went something like this:

Sis. Missionary:(SM) I think we really lost our investigator this evening!!! (in tears)

District Leader:(DL) Why do you say that, Sister?

SM: Well, when we left their house this evening, we invited them to read some scriptures in the Book of Mormon. Instead of writing down 1 Nephi 3:7, I mistakenly wrote down Third Nephi 3:7 for them to read.

DL: What does 3 Nephi 3:7 say?

SM: Oh, Elder....(still in tears) the first words this investigator is going to read in the Book of Mormon are: " ...yield yourselves up unto us, and unite with us and become acquainted with our secret works, and become our brethren that ye may be like unto us--not our slaves, but our brethren and partners in all our substance."

We were all laughing too hard to ask whether or not the investigator received any more lessons....

I had a green companion from the southern states and he spoke his poor Spanish with a southern drawl. It was his turn to do the door approach at a particular house. After about two minutes, the man's eyes opened really wide and his face filled with amazement. Suddenly he turned and yelled into the house, "Wife, come quick! This gringo's talking English and I can understand him."

Apparently, after visiting with some elderly people the missionaries tracted out, they overheard the man saying to his wife as they left:

"Ain't that a hoot! Both them boys named Elmer!"

Two missionaries were asked to speak in the Sacrament Meeting of the small branch in which they were serving. As the first missionary got up to speak, the zipper in his pants broke -- unbeknown to the young Elder. The branch was so small that they didn't even have a real pulpit; they used a music stand to speak behind. It didn't take long for everyone to notice the young missionary's problem. In his innocence, he continued to talk, but couldn't figure out why he was getting so many smiles at first, followed by a few nervous giggles. Even his companion had figured out the problem by now, so he looked in his scriptures and wrote "Isaiah 6:5" on a small piece of paper and slipped it into his companion's hand. Unfortunately, the new missionary wasn't familiar with the Old Testament, so he figured it must be something his companion wanted him to read. Opening the scriptures, he read aloud: "Then said I, Woe [is] me! for I am undone...!" As the congregation burst into unrrestrained laughter, the senior companion rushed his young charge to the Men's room.

[NOTE: I have also heard of 2 Nephi 16:5 and Numbers 21:29 being similarly used!]

I remember one time that I had a investigator meeting with two elders named Elder Jensen and Elder Lamb. They were talking about priesthoods. Elder Jensen asked me if I knew what the Aaronic Priesthood was, I guessed and said that it was the opposite of the real priesthood. (I thought they said Ironic Priesthood)

One day while tracting in a town called Futrono, Chile Osorno mission, my companion Elder Luis Valdez and I came in contact with a woman who seemed interested in talking to us about the church. After inviting us into her house we soon found out that she was a member of the Jehovah's Witness church. We discussed our two churches for a while and finally, after realizing that she wasn't getting through to us, she said, "but wouldn't you like to live in a paradise up in heaven and be ruled by Jehovah and all of his angels?" I responded by saying, "No! We want to be the angels!"

Two sister missionaries had been suckered into delivering supplies to the local hospitals. They hadn't been watching their gas gauge and as you can guess they ran out of gas. They were only a block away from a gas station, however, and they walked to the station and told the attendant of the problem. The attendant asked if they had anything that would hold liquid. The sisters replied that the only container they had in the car was a bed-pan. The attendant answered that that would hold enough gas to get them back to the station, he would fill their tank and they would be on their way. So the sisters walked back to the car, got the bed-pan and returned to the gas station where the attendant put gas in it. They then very carefully returned to the car and just as they were pouring from the bed-pan into the gas tank two elders rode by on bicycles. One said to the other:

"Now you see, elder, that's faith!"

Two elders were tracting in deepest africa when they came across a large lion. The elders began to run; the slower of the two realized that he would not be able to out run the lion so he dropped to his knees and prayed for Heavenly Father to convert the lion. When he open his eyes he saw the lion on his knees also and heard him say ,"Father in heaven please bless this food I am about to consume."

An LDS missionary was an enthusiastic but not very capable cook. One day his companion saw that he was close to tears. " Elder, what's wrong? Did you get a 'Dear John' today?" Worse! I made a meatloaf for our dinner, but our landlady's cat ate it.!" "Don't take it so hard, elder. We'll buy her another cat."

"On her first Sunday in a Spanish speaking mission, a sister missionary was asked to give her testimony to the congregation. She approached the podium and, trying to convey how embarrassed she was she told the audience "estoy muy embarasada". She then pointed to the bishop and jokingly said in Spanish, "and it's all his fault". This bishop's wife stood up and stormed out of the chapel. After the testimony, the sister's companion told her that "estoy muy embarasada" doesn't mean I'm very embarrassed, it means I'm very pregnant!

When the MTC was built in Provo, beautiful green athletic fields were planted so the missionaries would have a place to exercise. However, they were so inviting that BYU students were attracted there, and you would see BYU students out playing touch football, throwing frisbees, etc. on the missionaries' field. To deal with this problem, a large banner was posted, which read "Missionaries Only."

The next day, BYU students were out on the field, playing touch football and throwing frisbees. They had posted a new banner which read, "Every member a missionary."

Two Mormon missionaries in dark suits on bikes recently were left motionless and speechless when two scantily clad female joggers passed them in Sandy, Utah.

In fact, they didn't notice a Sandy City police car behind them, until the officer advised over his loudspeaker, "Think of a hymn, elders."