Insults

I'll hit you...

• I'll hit you so hard by the time you come down, you'll need a passport and a plane ticket back!
• I'll hit you so hard you'll have to take off your shoes to shit!
• I'll hit you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants to say hi!
• I'll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy!
• I'll hit you so hard your wife will fall!

Dumb...

• You're so dumb you think manual labor is a Mexican!
• You're so dumb it takes you an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes"!
• You so stupid you probably think Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone bill.
• You so dumb you got blonde roots in your eyeballs.
• You're so stupid, that you got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's.
• You're so stupid, that you went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
• You're so stupid, it takes you an hour to cook minute rice.

Ugly...

• You're so ugly you'd make a train take a dirt road!
• You're so ugly when you walk into a bank, they turn the cameras off!
• You're so ugly if you stuck your head out the window, they'd arrest you for mooning!
• You're so ugly if you joined an ugly contest, they'd say "Sorry, no professionals!"
• You're so ugly your face is closed on weekends!
• You're so ugly you could be the poster child for abortion/birth control!
• You're so ugly if my dog looked like you, I'd shave its ass and teach it to walk backwards!
• You're so ugly when you were born the doctor slapped your mother!
• You're so ugly when you were born, your mother saw the afterbirth and said "Twins!"
• You're so ugly they know what time you were born, because your face stopped the clock!
• She's so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock!
• She's so ugly she could scare the chrome off a bumper!
• You're face is so ugly when you cry the tears run up your face.
• You're so ugly, your mother had to feed you with a sling shot.
• You're so ugly, your mother had to tie a steak around your neck to get the dog to play with you.

Fat...

• You're so fat when you sit around the house, you sit AROUND the HOUSE
• You're so fat a picture of you would fall off the wall!
• You're so fat if you weighed five more pounds, you could get group insurance!
• You're so fat if you got your shoes shined, you'd have to take his word for it!
• You're so fat that you have to strap a beeper on your belt to warn people you are backing up.

Your mama...

• Your mother's armpits are so hairy it looks like she had Buckwheat in a headlock.
• Your mom's so fat, her yearbook picture was an aerial photo.
• Your mom's so stupid it takes her a half hour to make minute rice.
• Your mom's so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown.
• Your mom's got snakeskin teeth.
• Your mom's so stupid I saw her in the frozen food section w/a fishing rod.
• Your mom's so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing Her peanuts.
• Your mom's got hair on her tongue and she gargles w/curl activator.
• Your mom's got a wooden leg w/a real foot.
• Your mom's got a leather wig w/suede sideburns.
• Your momma's so fat, she jumped up in the air - and got stuck!
• Your Mama's so old, her birthday's expired.
• Your Mother is so stupid, she needs a ruler beside her bed to see how long she can sleep.
• Your Mother is so dumb, she got hit by a cup and said she got mugged.
• Your mother is so old, I told her to start acting her age and she died.
• Your mama's so poor she went to McDonald's to put a shake on layaway
• Your mama's so dumb she sold the car for gas money
• Your mama's so dumb she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
• Your Mama's So fat, when her beepgr goes off, people thought she was backing up
• Your Mama's So stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
• Your Mama's So fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
• Your Mama's So stupid, when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
• Your Mama's So fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
• Your Mama's So fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway
• Your Mama's So fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
• Your Mama's So fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "...to be continued"
• Your Mama's So nasty, when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt.
• Your Mama's So fat, when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
• Your Mama's So ugly, just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
• Your Mama's So ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
• Your Mama's So ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
• Your Mama's So poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
• Your Mama's So fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
• Your Mama's So ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
• Your Mama's So ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
• Your Mama's So fat, the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
• Your Mama's So stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
• Your Mama's So stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read.
• Your Mama's So ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her.
• Your Mama's So ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"
• Your Mama's So ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
• Your Mom's like a bowling ball she always winds up in the gutter
• You're mother's so dumb...she got stabbed at a shoot-out.
• You mom is so fat, everytime she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
• You're mother's so dumb... she got hit by a parked car.

Other Insults

• I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.
• When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say your stupidity.
• Well I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much.
• I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
• You're the best at all you do - and all you do is make people hate you.
• Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
• The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.
• When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents.
• All of your ancestors must number in the millions; its hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
• Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
• I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.
• I hear that when your mother first saw you she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.
• You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.
• No one should be punished for accident of birth but you look too much like a wreck not to be.
• Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.
• You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.
• You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet.
• I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
• I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.
• You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.
• At your speed you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.
• If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.
• Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
• You have nothing to fear from my baser instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you.
• It's your life - but I wish you'd let us have it.
• I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
• I think you should live for the moment. But after that I doubt I'll think so.
• Man alive! But I wish you weren't.
• I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
• I admire your because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief and a cheat.
• You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.
• You have a face only a mother could love - and she hates it!
• You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light.