How to Stay Stressed

Although the Health Center has long been an advocate of stress management, stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints of students, faculty and staff alike. On account of this, we have come to the following conclusion:

YOU ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED!!!!!!

The following provides you with a few reasons why.

• STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT: Anyone as stressed as you must be working very hard and, therefore, is probably doing something very crucial.
• IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY: Anyone as busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form emotional attachments to anyone. And let's face it, you're not much fun to be around anyway.
• IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES: Obviously, you are too stressed to be given any more work. This gets you off the hook for all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.
• IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS: Why risk being successful, when by simply being stressed you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep your performance level low enough that success won't ever be a threat.
• IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH: Stress might be considered a cheap thrill, and you can give yourself a 'hit' any time you choose. But, be careful. You might get addicted to your own adrenaline.
• STRESS ALSO HELPS YOU KEEP YOUR AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE: The authoritarian style of 'just do what I say!' is generally permissible under crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis atmosphere, you can justify an authoritarian style all of the time.

More below.....

Are you now worried about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

• NEVER EXERCISE: Exercise wastes a lot of the time that could be spent worrying.
• EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT: Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to either.
• GAIN WEIGHT: Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.
• TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS: The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
• AVOID 'WOO-WOO' PRACTICES: Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The Protestant work ethic is goof for everyone, Protestant or not.
• GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM: Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
• PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM: Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take the time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!
• THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR: Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.
• MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE-BE MACHO: Never ask for any help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
• BECOME A WORKAHOLIC: Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
• DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS: Schedule more activities every day than you can possibly get done, then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
• PROCRASTINATE: Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.
• WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL: Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age. You know, all the big issues.
• BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS: and wither beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them.