Bar Symptoms

• Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; shirt front is wet.
• Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
• Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

• Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; Beer unusually pale and clear.
• Fault : Glass is empty.
• Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

• Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
• Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
• Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

• Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
• Fault : Loss of self-control.
• Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

• Symptom : Bar blurred.
• Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
• Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

• Symptom : Bar swaying.
• Fault : Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
• Solution : Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

• Symptom : Bar moving.
• Fault : You are being carried out.
• Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

• Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
• Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
• Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

• Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
• Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
• Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

• Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
• Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.
• Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

• Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
• Fault : The pub is closing.
• Solution : PANIC !!!!!