Story Jokes

A ward house was in need of painting, but there was no budget to buy paint and pay someone to paint it. The bishop asked a member of the ward who was a painting contractor if he would donate his labor towards the cause. The brother agreed, the paint was purchased and delivered to his home. As the contractor looked at all the paint and imagined the hours it would require for him to complete the church job, he was tempted. He thought to himself that if he thinned the paint some he would be able to have to some paint that he could use in his business which would reimburse him somewhat for all of his effort.

He completed the job Saturday night and thought that all would be well as long as it didn't rain before the paint dried. Alas, he woke up Sunday morning to pouring rain. He went to the meeting house and saw the bishop shaking his head as he watched the paint running from the building. The contractor was humbled and apologetic. The bishop accepted his confession and gave him this advice, "Repaint, repaint! And thin no more."

A true story, as originally related by a Church security guard. President Kimball was on an overseas tour, and was keeping a grueling schedule despite flagging health. It was unending. Tour this mission, go to that meeting, speak at this conference - wave after wave of work. His secretary, Brother Haycock, was getting concerned. One day, when President Kimball inquired as to the next item on the agenda, the secretary informed him that they had scheduled in some time for him to take a nap. President Kimball was visibly displeased, and responded "I think I understand...you are trying to save me." "Yes" his secretary replied. Without hesitation, President Kimball said: "But I don't want to be saved. I want to be exalted!"

(A True Story) During a sacrament meeting, a little boy made a big disturbance. After several minutes of trying to quiet this noisy three-year-old, the mother desperately handed him to the father, who was seated on the aisle close to the front of the chapel. By this time the noise distracted the speaker and audience, and everyone was very conscious of the parents' plight. The father's patience was much shorter than the mother's. In a few moments he put the little boy over his shoulder, stood up, and started for the back door. Looking back over his father's shoulder and sensing his determined steps, the little boy became quiet and apprehensive. Just as the father approached the rear door of the chapel, the little fellow reached his arms out toward the stand and shouted, "Bishop, help!"

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together. So I drinks one for each a me brothers and one for meself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I just joined the Mormon church and I had to quit drinking."

A man had been in business for many years and his business was going down the drain and was full of debt. He was seriously contemplating suicide and he didn't know what to do. So he went to his Bishop to seek advice. He told his Bishop about all of his problems in business and asked the Bishop what he should do.

The Bishop said "Take a beach chair and a Book of Mormon and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Book of Mormon and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Book of Mormon will stay open at a particular page. Read the Book of Mormon and it will tell you what to do."

The man did as he is told. He placed a beach chair and a Book of Mormon in his car and drove down to the beach. He sat on the chair at the water's edge and opened the Book of Mormon. The wind rifled the pages and then stopped at a particular page. He looked down at the Book of Mormon and knew immediately what he had to do.

Three months later the man and his family came back to see the Bishop. The man was wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, his wife was all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child was dressed in beautiful silk. The man handed the Bishop a thick envelope full of money and told him that he wants to donate this money as a fast offering to the church thanked the Bishop for his wonderful advice. The Bishop was delighted. He recognizes the man and asked him what advice in the Book of Mormon brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: "Chapter 11."

P.S. For those unfamiliar with American Law, Chapter 11 refers to declaring bankruptcy and removing all of your debt. In modern years, some people have developed the practice as a strategic financial decision.

During the Vietnam War, a group of soldiers were ambushed. Fire was exchanged and during it all, a young LDS soldier was hit in the chest. The others had no choice but to retreat, leaving their friend's body in the tall grass. Later that night, back at the camp, they saw a figure moving towards them. One of the soldiers yelled out, "Who goes there?" Out of the shadows stumbled the LDS soldier. The group stood in disbelief, wanting to know how he survived. The LDS soldier reached into his jacket and pulled out a pocket version Book of Mormon with a bullet lodged in it. Holding it high in the air he exclaimed, "Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets through Second Nephi!"

It is rumored that the following rendition of the Book of Genesis was included in the portion of the plates taken into heaven by the Lord. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT (Companion for Adam's Teaching) to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Bishop, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Scriptures a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Scriptures diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

A man visiting a rural Tennessee town during the Christmas season saw a wonderful "Nativity Scene," but one feature bothered him. The three wise men were carrying heavy canvas hoses, and wearing fire helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left. At a little country store on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the hoses and helmets. She shook her head in disgust, and said, "You danged Yankees never do read the Bible!" He assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She indignantly jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through the pages, finally jabbing her finger at one particular passage. Putting the Good Book right up in his face she said, "See, Yankee, it says right here, "The three wise men came from afar......"

Two home teachers went out one Saturday to visit their families. At one home, it was obvious that someone was there, but nobody came to the door even though they knocked several times. Finally, the senior companion took out a piece of paper and wrote the member's name on the card with the words, "Revelation 3:20" below it, and stuck the paper in the crack in the door.

(Revelation 3:20 -- Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me).

The next day, on Sunday, the piece of paper was returned to the home teacher. Below the home teacher's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10"

(Genesis 3:10 -- I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself).

Sacrament meeting was about to begin and a mother couldn't find her son. She searched everywhere and finally located him sitting outside on the curb with his head in his hands. She said "Son, we have to go in now. Sacrament is about to start." He responds, "I can't go in there, Mom. Nobody likes me. No one will talk to me." She says "But son, you have to go back in....You're the Bishop."

In the early 1840's, the head of a fundamentalist Christian religion near Nauvoo decided that all the Mormons had to leave Illinois. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Mormon community. So the fundamentalist Christian leader made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Mormon community. If the Mormon won, the Mormons could stay. If the fundamentalist Christian leader won, the Mormons would leave.

The Mormons realised that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged immigrant convert named John to represent them. John, being a simple man of the earth and still learning the English language, asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The fundamentalist Christian leader agreed.

The day of the great debate came. John and the fundamentalist Christian leader sat opposite each other for a full minute before the fundamentalist Christian leader raised his hand and showed three fingers.

John looked back at him and raised one finger. The fundamentalist Christian leader waved his fingers in a circle around his head. John pointed to the ground where he sat.

The fundamentalist Christian leader pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. John pulled out an apple. The fundamentalist Christian leader stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Mormons can stay."

Minutes later, the Deacons of the fundamentalist Christian religion were all around their leader asking him what happened. The fundamentalist Christian leader said: "First I held up three fingers together to represent that God the Father, his son Jesus and the Holy Ghost were all three in one. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that they were all one in purpose.

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was in the air everywhere at once. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing me that God the Son had appeared to many with a resurrected body.

I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that we are saved from our sins by grace alone. He pulled out an apple to remind me of repentance and doing good works. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Mormon community had crowded around John. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said John, "First he said to me that the Mormons had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving".

"Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Mormons. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" they asked.

"I don't know," said John. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams Shore hope the test ain't too hard;life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" says Saint Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter. "Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."

"Howard?!" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?!"

Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest:

"Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and Bishop Jones was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Bishop said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Bishop."

The Bishop questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."

Adam was talking to God one day. He asked God, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?" God replied, "so you would marry her and bring other children to the world." Then Adam asked, " So why did you give her soft silky skin?" Again God anwered, "so you would marry her." Then Adam asked," I understand now why you made her so beautiful, and soft, but why did you make her so stupid?" God chuckled a little bit and simply replied, "So she would marry you."

A Catholic Priest, A Baptist Preacher, and a Mormon Bishop went fishing in a boat together. After awhile, the Mormon Bishop ran out of bait. So he got up, stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the shore, and returned the same way with more bait. Soon after, the Catholic Priest also ran out of bait and did the same. Finally the Baptist Preacher ran out of bait and stepped out of the boat and sank down into the water until it reached his neck. The Catholic Priest laughed and said to the Mormon Bishop, "Should we tell him about the rocks beneath the water?" The Mormon Bishop, obviously confused, said, "What rocks?"

An ecclesiastical leader really loved golf. He was also very busy with all of his church responsibilities. It seemed that every time he set aside a little time to play golf, another problem would come up and he would have to go help. Finally, it looked like he had a whole afternoon off. Unfortunately, it was on the Sabbath, but the leader rationalized that since he had spent so much time on church things on other days of the week, it would be all right to use part of the Sabbath to do a non-Sabbath thing. So he sneaked off to the golf course. It was a beautiful day, but surprisingly almost no one was around to watch him break the Sabbath day. On the first hole, he got a hole in one. He was stunned. He had never gotten a hole-in-one before! All of his golfing buddies would never believe it! The second hole, he also got a hole-in-one. It was amazing! Two in a row! He couldn't wait to tell his wife! The third, fourth, and fifth holes were all holes in one. At the end of the course, the leader had only taken 18 strokes, a course record. He could get his name and the date engraved on a plaque in the clubhouse and get a free dinner for him and three friends. Moses was up in heaven watching all of this with God. "Why did you let him do so well? Shouldn't he be punished?" God replied, "He is. Who could he tell?"

A true story: It was a hot afternoon when the air conditioning went out in the Tabernacle during General Conference. President Hinckley stood up to address the sweating congregation and said, "It's warm. We're sorry. But it's not as warm as it's going to get if you don't repent!"

There was this Bishopric that went hunting together. After they got out in the woods and away from everyone they were sitting around in the evening and talking. The Bishop said, "you know I have one fault that I only do when I'm hunting, I like to have a cup of coffee when I'm up here hunting, I just can't help myself." The First Councilor said, "well, since you said that Bishop, I have to confess when I'm up here hunting I love to have a cold beer." The Second Councilor said, "I also need to confess I can't help it either when I'm up here I love to have a big cigar." Then they all looked at the Executive Secretary and waited for him to say something. After probing him for a while, he finally said, "OK, I give. I do have one really bad weakness that I can't control." "What is it?" they asked. "Well," he said, "I'm a terrible gossiper and I can't wait to get back and tell everyone what you guys said!"

This guy dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. Peter gets out his book on this guy's life and says, "You know, you've lived a pretty average life, You haven't done anything so bad that I would feel really right about sending you down below, but you haven't really done anything that good either. I'll tell you what--if you can tell me just one thing you did during your life that was really good, I'll let you in."

The guy says, "okay, well I was driving down the highway when I saw this gang of bikers assaulting this girl. So I slammed on my brakes, grabbed my tire iron, jumped out of my car and ran straight at the leader of the pack. He was huge, with a mohawk haircut, hairy all over, and he had a huge link chain running from his nose to his ear. So I grabbed his chain, pulled as hard as I could, and whapped him on the head. Then I turned to his gang and screamed, 'who wants some of this!! Who wants some pain!!!'"

St. Peter is extremely impressed, and says, "wow, I had no idea. That is really something. When did this happen?"

And the guy says, "oh, about 2 minutes ago."

A Bishop was walking down the street to the chapel one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. The boy is very small, though, and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the Bishop moves closer to the boys position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the Bishop smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, young man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Heck!"

President Hinckley had just finished conducting a Devotional at BYU and was being driven by limousine back to Salt Lake City. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and President Hinckley takes the wheel.

President Hinckley proceeds to hop on I-15 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM!, the flashing lights of the state Highway Patrol appear in his mirror.

President Hinckley pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please, uh, sir, I need to call this in." The trooper radios in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got someone REALLY important pulled over and I need to know what to do." The chief replies, "It's not the Governor, is it?" The trooper replies, "No, even more important." "It isn't the President, is it??" "No, keep going...", replies the trooper. "Well WHO the HECK is it!", demands the chief. "I don't know for sure..." says the trooper, "But he's got President Hinckley as a chauffeur!"

A newly ordained bishop and his young wife were talking about being more considerate of each other. The good wife promised herself that she would not be so critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. And he promised to honor her privacy and never look in the shoebox in the attic. Finally after 50 years of marriage their children gave a great party to celebrate the anniversary and many people came and congratulated the happy couple. The good Bishop, long since released from that particular call and having served in many others, was obedient and never looked in the shoebox. The good wife was never openly critical of her husband's talks. On this particular day however, as he was looking for a few more chairs to seat guests on, he came upon the shoebox. He thought and pondered and finally could withstand the temptation no longer. Inside he found 3 eggs and $10,000.00, in bills of varied denominations. He quietly replaced the lid and replaced the box. He was extremely puzzled by what he had found. That evening, after the guests had left, he approached his wife and asked of the shoebox with it's eggs and money. "Oh" she said, "well you remember when we spoke of being more considerate with each other all those years ago?" The Bishop answered firmly and quietly "yes", feeling that he had let her down. She told him. "Well I promised that I would not be critical of your boring talks, but everytime you gave a talk that was a real snoozer I would put an egg in the shoebox." The Bishop responded."Well that's not so bad. 50 years of talks and only 3 eggs, but what about the $10,000.00?" His wife quietly responded "everytime I got a dozen eggs I sold them."

This farmer dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is giving him a tour, he notices a bunch of white sheets hanging all over the place with SHHH!! writen all over them. The farmer asks in a loud voice, "St. Peter, what's behind them sheets?" St. Peter turns around quickly and says, "Be quiet. Behind those sheets are the mormons, and they think they are the only ones up here."

John dies and goes to Heaven. He meets St. Peter at the gate and asks him, "How do I get into Heaven?" St Pete: Spell "Love". John: L - O - V - E St Pete: That's right, you may enter. John: Boy, that was easy, are you sure that's all there is to it? St Pete: Yup...by the way, I have to run an errand. Would you please watch the gate for me and if anyone comes just ask them to spell LOVE. If they spell it right, let them in. John: OK, I can do that.

Soon Ralph arrives and asks: How do I get in Heaven?

John: Spell LOVE.

Ralph: L - O - V - E.

John: That's right, come on in.

Soon Harry arrives and asks: How do I get in Heaven?

John: Spell LOVE

Harry: L - O - V - E.

John: That's right, come on in.

Soon a woman arrives and as she gets closer John realizes it's his wife.

John: What are you doing here?

Wife: On the way home from your funeral I was in a car accident and died. What do I have to do to get into Heaven?

John: Spell Czechoslovakia........

A reporter once visited Billy Graham and noticed he had a special red phone on his desk the reporter asked him about it and Billy said "It's my hotline to heaven." The reporter asked if he could make a call "sure" said Billy, "but it will cost you $10,000 dollars." The reporter next interviewed the Pope in Rome and noticed the same special red phone on his desk. When he asked the Pope said that "Is my hotline to heaven, you may make a call but it will cost you $100,000 dollars." Latter the reporter interviewed Pres. Hinkley and noticed a special red phone on his desk. He asked what it was and Pres. Hinckley said "Thats the hotline to heavan." The reporter asked if he could make a call. Pres. Hinkley said "sure". "How much will it cost me?" the reporter asked. "Twenty-five cents", "Why so little?" "It's a local call."

There was once a Catholic Bishop who was very proud of his parish and he was walking down a street and he came acrosss a young boy holding some new born puppies. He asked the boy what was the religion of the puppies. the reply was Catholic Father. This made the Bishop very happy. The next day he again walked down this street and saw the boy, he again asked the religion of the Pups and got the same reply. A short time later the Bishop was entertaining his Cardinal and thought I would show him how devoted my parish is, so he took the cardinal down the street to where the boy was playing and asked what religion are your puppies young man. The reply came "They are are Mormon, Father." The Bishop was shocked and said "but the other day you said they were catholic." The boy smiled and said "the other day they were blind and could not see but now their eyes are opened."

The Pope is sitting in his office and his secretary enters his office and says: "Um, sir I have a phone call here for you. It appears to be some good news and some bad news." "Well whats the good news?", asked the Pope. "The good news is it's Jesus Christ on the line." "Thats great! Whats the bad news?" "He's calling from Salt Lake."

Johnny got lost in the forest. When it got dark he could not see and walked right off a cliff. As he was falling he caught a tree branch and looked down and about 100 feet below he saw rocks sticking up out of the water. Johnny looked up and asked, "Is there anybody up there that can help me?"

A voice came from the heavens and said, "Hello Johnny, do you believe?"

And Johnny said, "Yes I believe, I believe!"

Then the voice said, "Okay Johnny, then have faith and let go."

Johnny looked down again at the 100 foot drop into the rocks and water. He looked up again and said, "Is there anybody else up there?"

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Jesus said, Whom do men say that I am?

And his disciples answered and said, Some say you are John the Baptist returned from the dead; others say Elias, or other of the old prophets.

And Jesus answered and said, But whom do you say that I am?

Peter answered and said, "Thou art the Logos, existing in the Father as His rationality and then, by an act of His will, being generated, in consideration of the various functions by which God is related to his creation, but only on the fact that Scripture speaks of a Father, and a Son, and a Holy Spirit, each member of the Trinity being coequal with every other member, and each acting inseparably with and interpenetrating every other member, but an economic subordination within God, a division which makes the substance no longer simple."

And Jesus answering, said, "What?"

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore: he came to be known as a:

"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

"Christmas time with its cargo of love is the greatest of all anniversaries for those who worship the God of love. It brings peace of mind to millions who, for one day at least, think more of others than of selves; more of giving than of getting.

"This is the secret of the popularity of Christmas. It is the best day of the year, the most joyous because we seek the happiness of others rather than our own. It is the day when love takes command, and men, women, and children, by losing themselves, find joy and peace. For one day at least, Christendom tries Christianity." (Hugh B. Brown)

A theologian and an astronomer were talking together one day. The astronomer said that after reading widely in the field of religion, he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single phrase.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

After a brief pause, the theologian replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also.

"Oh, and what is that?" the astronaut inquired.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"

During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."