Short Jokes

Years ago the following appeared in our ward newsletter: "Now other success can compensate for failure in the home. -- David O. McKay"

"Family is Forever".....what it feels like on the fourth day of the vacation...

A scripture to send a missionary who is not writing letters home: "And now behold, we desire to know the cause of this exceedingly great neglect; yea, we desire to know the cause of your thoughtless state." (Alma 60:6)

Joe: My home teacher is so good he comes on the first day of every month!

My thanks to the First Presidency for this opportunity during which, as you can see, the lights combine with my cranium to bring some different "illumination" to this pulpit. (Contributed by the then-bald Elder Neal A. Maxwell during General Conference on 4/5/97)

Once J. Golden Kimball was showing some visitors from England around Salt Lake City. Every time they passed a noteworthy building, Kimball would tell how long it took to build. His European visitors always assured him that their country could build it in half the time. The group then passed the Salt Lake Temple. The tourists asked what it was. "Heck if I know, " he said, "It wasn't here yesterday."

Brigham Young on his many wives: "The Lord knows if I had lost a rib for each wife I have, I should have had none left long ago."

Bride on her wedding day: Mom, I'm so glad to be at the end of all my troubles!

Our three year old daughter was participating in a family scripture study, in which each of us quoted a scripture in turn. When Ruth's turn came, she enthusiastically said "Adam fell that men might be..." Then she paused with a puzzled look on her face and asked: "Who pushed Adam?"

Q. Lehi had a pet which the Lord told him to take with him when they left Jerusalem. Do you know what it was?

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

Q. What time of the day was Adam born?

Q. When were motorcycles first mentioned in the Bible?

Q. Which prophet didn't have a father?

Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?

During a Primary lesson on the bishopric, the teacher asked the children what a bishop does. Without hesitation, a bright six-year-old answered, "moves diaganolly."

One busy Saturday as I was leaving for work and my husband was leaving for the temple, our 11-year-old asked who was going to fix breakfast. We told him that his 15-year-old brother would. He replied, "Would this be a good time to use my 72-hour kit?"

"When a big mean, dog attacks you, Elder, just remember, you don't have to run faster than the dog, ... you just have to outrun your companion."

Did you hear about the guy that got his LSD and LDS mixed up? Instead of going on a trip he went on a two year mission.

If you're not LDS, you belong to a non-prophet organization.

Before I joined the Church, I always told those who inquired about my religious views that I was a Frisbeeite.

An Agnostic and an Atheist were married and had a real moral problem on their hands. You see, they couldn't decide which religion not to raise their children in.

Why did God create woman? Because he looked at Adam and said: "Oh, I can do better than that!"

Do you know why God created Adam first? He didn't want any advice on how to do it.

What did Brigham Young say to the woman who complained that her husband had told her to go to Hell? "Well, first off, don't you do it!"

Sometimes I wake up Grumpy on P-day, but sometimes I let my companion sleep in.

Q. Why do Mormon women stop having children at 35?

Q. Why did the polygamist cross the road?

Do you know what is the pushiest thing in the world?

Q. What do you get when you cross a Mormon and a robber?

Why didn't the BYU football team do as good this year?

You may have heard "Air the room you left this morning, did you think to spray?"

Well, for the five years that my father was a bishop, if he ever announced that hymn, he called it, "Air the room you left this morning." Nobody was the wiser except his giggling kids. [The real song is (Ere You Left Your Room This Morning) Did You Think to Pray?]