List Jokes

Dear God,

So far today,
I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped.
I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't lied or cheated.
I haven't been greedy, grumpy,
nasty, selfish or overindulgent.
I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, Lord,
I'm going to get out of bed;
and from then on, I'm probably
going to need a lot more help.
Amen

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friends limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, sexual orientation or politics,
Then, my friend, you are ALMOST as good as your dog.

Bible in 50 words

God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.

Things That Should Be Heard More Often at Church

1. The only problem we had on the scout campout was that after all the meals every scout wanted to wash all the dishes, especially the pots and pans. It was hard getting them to wait their turn.
2. We were enjoying the meeting so much that we didn't even notice that it had gone 15 minutes overtime.
3. We'll go ahead and start the meeting early today since everyone is already here and in their seats.
4. So many sisters volunteer to help with every compassionate service project, that not everyone gets to help each time.
5. Almost the entire ward comes to our child of record baptisms.
6. Our large Deacon's Quorum sits so still during their class and raise their hands to participate, that getting to teaching their class is the most coveted position in our ward.
7. We have a hard time filling positions in Relief Society because all the sisters want to teach Primary, especially the Nursery and Sunbeam classes.
8. We love to get to church early because our favorite front bench pew is always taken if we aren't extra early.
9. The whole congregation heard and enjoyed the prelude music.
10. Filling all the positions in Cub Scouts has never been a problem.
11. Men's Basketball is so much fun! Such good sportsmanship! Everyone is there to have a good time and there's no fighting.
12. We have so many people signed up for this month's Temple trip that we need to hire a second (third?) bus.
13. The family history class will be canceled until new people move into the ward as all the current ward members have finished tracing all of their ancestors.
14. Heard from the Executive Secretary. . ." Statistics are the same as usual, Visiting Teaching 100%, Home Teaching 100%, Sacrament Meeting attendance 100% Primary attendance 100%, etc.
15. I love being Primary president -- people are always so willing to help out on Sunday and quarterly activities are a breeze because so many adults beg to help out.

"Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash"

Tired of hearing the same, time-worn excuses for why people don't attend church services, the Rev. Sudney Laing of Dublin, Ireland, wrote this humorous piece for his parish paper

1. 1. I was made to wash as a child.
2. People who wash are hypocrites; they reckon they are cleaner than other people.
3. There are many different kinds of soap; I could never decide which one was right.
4. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
5. I still wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
6. None of my friends wash.
7. I'm still young. When I'm older and have got a bit dirtier I might start washing.
8. I really don't have time.
9. The bathroom's never warm enough.
10. People who make soap are only after your money.

Church Bulletin and Service bloopers:

• Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
• Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
• When I was a Rick's college, they announced as the opening hymn: "Hark, the Herald Angels Sin"
• Ward Adult Valentine's Activity: bring your favorite game and a spouse of a friend for a great time! Feb '98
• Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
• Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
• The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet": in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

How to get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses:

1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry. (immediate results)
2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of charity lasts.
3. Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
4. Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.
5. Excuse yourself from your sitting room (or wherever) ...and don't come back.
6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls. (booky, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearfull confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)
7. Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
8. Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.
9. (males only) Feign an intense interest in their speil. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosery, a dress, the whole works. (make encouraging noises [uh huh, I see...] throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7) If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

At the start of a recent multi-religion gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on Fire!!!"

• The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.
• The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
• The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
• The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
• The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
• The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.
• The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"
• The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengence of God!"
• The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
• The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
• The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson, who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
• The Unity Students proclaimed the fire had no power over them.
• The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
• The Mormons arrived ten minutes late to the meeting, and so missed the fire completely!!!