Auxilaries Jokes

A primary president, a high councilman, and a bishop sat on the front row of a airplane flight that, unfortunately, was hijacked. When the hijackers' demands were refused, they threatened to shoot some passengers, starting with the first row. The primary president promptly asked for one last wish. She wanted to sing her favorite primary song. The hijacker said that would be fine, then asked the high councilman and bishop if they also had a last wish. The high councilman requested that after the song he be allowed to stand and give the talk he had prepared to give in sacrament meeting that next Sunday. The hijacker agreed, then turned to the bishop. The bishop motioned for the hijacker to come closer and whispered in his ear, "Please shoot me after the song."

This is originally from a physician in Utah... "I work part-time as a teacher of family doctors. The program provides training on psychiatric disorders and emphasizes the importance of emotional support. The new doctors are given plenty of time in clinic to visit with their patients and learn about their challenges. One of our interns who has never lived in Utah and knows nothing about Mormons is still struggling to understand the cultural climate here. Last week he was interviewing a new patient and stumbled on what he thought was a raging psychosis..."

• Doctor: "Well, Mrs. Olsen, we've talked about your high blood pressure and your medications. Are you experiencing any particular stress in your life?"
• Patient: "Oh, yes! It's the Sunbeams. They're driving me crazy."
• Doctor (very surprised): "The sun beams?"
• Patient: "Yes. I've never had trouble with them before, but this group won't sit still. They bounce all over the room, and run out the door and down the hall."
• Doctor (reaching for a pen): "Have you told anyone about this?"
• Patient: "Of course. I told the president."
• Doctor: "Really! What did the president tell you?"
• Patient: "She said Sunbeams are like that. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with them."
• Doctor (concerned that he may be missing something): "I know people who are sensitive to sun beams. Do they cause you a rash or anything?"
• Patient (confused): "A rash? No."
• Doctor: "What's the biggest problem they're creating?"
• Patient: "It's the noise. They just won't quit talking."
• Doctor (astonished): "The sun beams are talking to you?"
• Patient: "Well, yes. But mostly they talk to each other."
• Doctor (scribbling furiously in the chart): "I see. Can anyone else hear them talking?"
• Patient (after a moment of stunned silence): "You're not LDS, are you?"
• [NOTE:: If you are new to LDS culture, Sunbeams is the name of the three year old class.]

Last Christmas season, I received a call from one of my non-LDS friends. She said " Our family received a plate of cookes and it was signed 'from the Mia Maids'. I wanted to thank them so, I have looked in the town telephone list and in the phone book. I can't find anyone with the last name of Maid. You know everyone one in town, are they a new family?"

Jimmy and peter were misbehaving in Sunday school. Their teacher, fed up, sent them to speak with the bishop. He solemnly sat them down and asked, "Do you know where Jesus is?" Peter just stared. Then he asked Jimmy "Do you know where Jesus is?" Jimmy squirmed this way and that, then jumped up and ran out the door with Peter. When they got back to class, the teacher asked them what the Bishop had to say. "Well," gulped Jimmy "Jesus is lost and they think we know where he is!"

Youth can sure put you on the spot. One Sunday I was asked to substitute teach for the Deacons Quorum of which my 13 year old was a member. As I was getting into the lesson my son and a few of his friends were having a discussion of which was not the same topic I was presenting and was disruptive to the class. I got my sons attention and reminded him that we still believe in the laying on of hands, he says, but dad remember, 'as far as it is translated correctly.'

-- James Turner

At the seminary graduation ceremony for the Colorado Springs Stake, all the graduating seminary students were unexpectedly asked to share their sentiments regarding their early morning class, which started at 6 AM. One young lady started her remarks by commenting: "We are constantly hearing about marvelous new breakthroughs in the field of education. For instance, they have been talking a lot recently about teaching students while they sleep. Well, the Church is ahead of them again."

Mixed up Primary Songs

My friend Juliet learned to sing "I Hope They Call Me On a Mission" before she could read. She said she was mortified some years later to read the chart in primary and suddenly realized that the words read, "I hope by then I will be ready." She had been singing, "I hope the dinner will be ready." I guess it made sense when she was four.

I have five little fingers on one little hand.
I have six on the other; I don't understand.
During all the long hours till daylight is through,
I have one little finger with nothing to do!
[The real lyrics go:
I have two little hands folded snuggly and tight.
They are tiny and weak, yet they know what is right.
During all the long hours till daylight is though,
There are plenty indeed for my two hands to do.]
I always take a box of candy
When I go to church.
I nibble it, it's soft and sweet.
I let it fall beneath my feet.
It gets stuck to the bishop's feet
When I go to church.

-- "When I Go to Church," The Children's Songbook, p. 157

I love money, it loves me.
I love spending lavishly.
But I'm broke, and so you see,
That's why I'm into burglary.

-- "A Happy Family," The Children's Songbook, p. 198

The china plates lay hidden
Deep in the cabinet drawer
Until the child found them
And dropped them on the floor.

-- "The Golden Plates," The Children's Songbook, p. 86

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? It depends!

If it is the Relief Society it take four.

If it is the Bishop the light bulb really has to want to change.

If it is the Bishopric, forget it, they don’t do light bulbs. They call a Priesthood Executive Council and delegate it to the Elders.

If it is the Elders it takes four.

If it is the High Priests it take four.

If it is the Home Teachers, it only takes two, But you have to wait until the end of the month.

If it is the Aaronic Priesthood, it only takes one.

If it is Returned Missionaries, it only takes one, he just stands under it and expects the world to revolve around him!!

Children's Bible Stories

The following Bible stories were apparently written by real students and are genuine, Richard Lederer assembled them; they appeared in National Review magazine on December 31, 1995.