Men And Women Differences

Men and women see the same world from different viewpoints

Computers

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association, although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They want you to think they are more efficient but create a lot of clutter we have to clear up.
4. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
5. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. It's easy for them to get caught in a 'loop' where they don't seem to be reaching any obvious destination, but are still processing at full capacity.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

Drive-Thru Banking

Please note that your local Bank is installing new "Drive-thru" cash point machines and customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this facility the following instructions have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (ie Male or Female) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount to cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
3. Re-start the stalled engine.
4. Remove most of contents of handbag on to the passenger seat to locate card.
5. Turn down the radio.
6. Wind down window and attempt to insert card.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert the card.
9. Re-insert the card the correct way up.
10. Remove Video Club Membership card from machine
11. Insert bank Card
12. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back of page.
13. Enter PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Check make-up in rearview mirror.
18. Drive forwards two metres.
19. Reverse back to cash machine.
20. Retrieve card.
21. Restart the stalled engine and pull off.
22. Drive for 100 metres.
23. Release handbrake.

Male/Female Gender of Words

The Washington Post newspaper in America suggested that English should have male and female nouns like French. Readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TYRE -- male because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON -- male because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES -- female because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE -- female because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER -- female because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. But it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY -- male because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS -- female because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER -- male because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- female Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider: it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Creation of Man

On the first day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your master's house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play and enjoy life. Do nothing, just enjoy it all. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man.Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy life. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren ... and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Moods

Moods of a Woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison and love you like mad.

Moods of a Man

• Sleepy
• Sexy
• Hungry

Words Women Use

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's okay."

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

A Man's Heartfelt Prayer

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord please grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have so often tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Please build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is difficult for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

There was silence for a few minutes and then the Lord replied, "D'you want two lanes or four lanes for traffic on that bridge?"

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

Dogs don't cry
Dogs love it when your friends come over
Dogs don't mind if you forget Valentines Day
Dogs think you sing great
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs forgive you for playing with other dogs
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away
Anyone can get a good-looking Dog
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor
Dogs know that you have to raise your voice to make your point
Dogs would rather have a hamburger than a lobster dinner
You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24/7
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewellery
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk