Marriage

10 Steps to a Better Relationship

1.  Write 10 or more things you think are nice, or that you like doing. This could be to do with 
    food, activities, colours, animals, people, seasons, celebrations, whatever comes to mind. 
    Write as many as you can quickly in 5 minutes.

After 5 minutes, write another 10 items - or more if possible.

2.  Write 5 or 10 things that are not nice, you don't like, or that annoy and irritate you.

3.  Write 3 or 4 things that you say to encourage or congratulate ... 
         a)  your children
         b)  your spouse
         c)  your self
 
4.  What 3 or 4 good things are you glad you did with or for ...    
        a)  your children
        b)  your spouse
        c)  your self
                                         
 5.  What 3 or 4 regrets do you have about what you did with ... 
        a)  your children
        b)  your spouse
        c)  your self
                                           
6.   a) Who are the most important people in your life? 
        Write down 5 or 6 names, or more if needed. 
        
     b)Then put numbers beside their names to put them in order of importance.
 
7.  a)  What do you want in your life? Write down 5 or 6 things. 
    b)  Then put them in order of importance. 
    c)  What are you willing to do to achieve this?
    d)  What are you willing to give up to achieve this?
 
8.  What do you wish your spouse would do to help you be more happy? Write up to 10 things.
 
9.  a)  How do you rate your marriage out of 10?
        Rate 10 out of 10 for excellent and 0 for no good?
     
    b)  If your partner rated the marriage as 4 out of 10 then there are 6 things you could do to 
        improve it. Ask what 6 things your spouse wishes you would do to improve the relationship.
        Commit yourself to do those things to make it nearer to 10 out of 10.
 
10. What date will you set to review how you have helped improve the relationship? 
    One week is a good time limit. Set a date and time to discuss the improvements.

Discoveries that may be pointed out briefly at the end.

Many people find it difficult to think of nice things at first. Our minds seem more programmed to think negatively. Often we get so used to negative thoughts it is the only way we know how to think. It is easier to encourage or congratulate our children than our spouse or self. When putting putting in order of importance, put yourself first. It seems selfish, but in reality is a positive way to live.

It is easier to maintain or improve the present situation than rebuild it after it has collapsed.

Pre-Marriage Questions

From Dr. Phil McGraw's Five Questions to Ask Before You Get Married

Is getting married right for you? What do you need to know about your partner before you walk down the aisle? If you're thinking of getting married, it's time to ask yourself some questions. If you've already tied the knot, it's not too late — your answers to these five questions can help you, too! Ask yourself these five questions.

1. Why Are You Getting Married?
   Be honest and evaluate the reasons behind your engagement.
   Sit down and write a pro/con list about your partner and your relationship. Your list will reveal your true feelings.
   Don't get married to escape something. You want to move toward something positive.
2. Do You Know and Trust Your Partner's Personal History?
   The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. How has your partner behaved in past relationships, and with you?
   How well do you know your partner? Take the Relationship Profile test that follows. You should also be familiar with how your partner learned about marriage from his or her parents.
3. Did You Plan Your Marriage Instead of Just Your Wedding?
   Cake, flowers, fine china… these are all exciting aspects of a wedding, but there's more at stake than one day. Don't forget to think about the next 50 years. With your partner, develop an "emotional pre-nuptial agreement" that outlines how you'll handle children, money, trust issues, and division of labour. Make sure you are putting the same amount of time and effort (if not more) that you are using to plan your wedding into planning for your marriage.
4. Are You Investing More Than You Can Afford to Lose?
   Look at the cost of your relationship. If you have to give up your friends, career, or family, the cost is too high. Evaluate your relationship with the Relationship Profile.
5. Have You Identified and Communicated Your Needs and Expectations?
   Know yourself. You can't determine if somebody is good for you if you don't know your own needs. Express your needs and expectations now, not when you're already involved in the marriage. How well do you and your partner communicate? Take the Communication Test that follows after the Relationship Profile.

A Few More Thoughts ...

If you're both in love, your chance of it working is one in two. If not, the outlook is not good. If you have to talk yourself into getting married, don't do it! You may get there at some point, but not now. You don't want to just be married; you want to be happily married.

Relationship Health

Let's take an overall look at your relationship. The following is a broad questionnaire, a true/false test that includes items relevant to the health of you and your relationship. Be honest and go with your first reaction. Do this quickly and do not spend an excessive amount of time debating any one item.

Select either True or False for each item. If answering on a separate piece of paper write the number with T or F beside it.

1. I am satisfied with my sex life.
2. My partner doesn't really listen to me.
3. I trust my partner.
4. I feel picked on and put down.
5. I am hopeful about our future.
6. It is not easy to share my feelings.
7. My partner often says, I love you.
8. Sometimes I feel rage.
9. I feel appreciated.
10. I am out of control.
11. My partner is there for me in difficult times.
12. My partner is harsh in his or her criticism.
13. My partner understands me.
14. I fear my partner is bored.
15. My partner doesn't like to share what's on his or her mind.
16. I imagine myself divorced.
17. My relationship is what I always dreamed of.
18. I know I am right.
19. My partner treats me with dignity and respect.
20. My partner is a taker.
21. We often do fun things together.
22. Sometimes I just want to hurt my partner.
23. I feel loved.
24. I would rather lie than deal with a problem.
25. We still have a lot of passion in our relationship.
26. I am trapped with no escape.
27. My partner thinks I am fun to be with.
28. Our relationship has gotten boring.
29. We enjoy going out on dates alone.
30. My partner is ashamed of me.
31. We trust each other a great deal.
32. We have become nothing more than roommates.
33. I know my partner will never leave me.
34. I am no longer proud of my body.
35. My partner respects me.
36. My partner constantly compares me to others.
37. My partner still finds me desirable.
38. We just seem to want different things.
39. I am allowed to think for myself.
40. I feel crowded by my partner.
41. I am honest with my partner.
42. People have no idea what our relationship is really like.
43. My partner is open to suggestions.
44. My partner has shut me out.
45. My partner is my primary source of emotional support.
46. I feel judged and rejected by my partner.
47. My partner cares if I am upset or sad.
48. My partner treats me like a child.
49. My partner puts our relationship ahead of all others.
50. I'll never satisfy my partner.
51. My partner wants to hear my stories.
52. I chose my partner for the wrong reasons.
53. I look forward to our time together.
54. My partner thinks I am boring in bed.
55. My partner is lucky to have me.
56. My partner treats me like an employee.
57. I win my share of disputes.
58. I envy my friends' relationships.
59. My partner would protect me if necessary.
60. I am suspicious of my partner.
61. I feel needed by my partner.
62. My partner is jealous of me.

Count all the even-numbered True answers. Write the total. Count the odd-numbered False answers. Add that number to your previous total to get your overall score.

Overall total: This test is designed to give you a quick snapshot of the health of your relationship.

• 0 - 11: Your relationship is well above the norm and may have isolated areas in which you can improve.
• 12 - 19: Your relationship is probably about average (which is not great) and certainly needs work.
• 20 - 32: Your relationship is seriously troubled and you may be living an emotional divorce.
• 32 and above: It is likely that your relationship is in extreme danger of failing.

Getting Married

Dr. Phil McGraw's Advice On Getting Married

Everybody has core characteristics in their personality. Any incompatibility you experience with your partner won't magically change. If you don't address it before the wedding, they will only get worse and worse. Wedding certificates change nothing!.

If you're divorced and have children, and ditto goes for your partner, that's a huge deal! You're not only merging two lives together, you're merging two families with history. Work out issues until the threats of cancelling the wedding stop, before walking down the aisle..

Too many people fall into the trap of preparing for the wedding, and not the marriage. Prepare for the marriage, and enjoy your wedding. Remember your wedding is just a day, marriage is a lifetime. You shouldn't say we're going to get married on X day. You need to say we're going to get married when we've done the work to resolve the problems and we have a plan. Then, and only then, when you have a life plan and you feel good about each other, should you claim that victory by walking down the aisle. If you really love each other, and want to get married, you will do the work to get to that point.

For people very young and in love, don't put the adult phase into a preparation phase. You need to be an individual alone, before you can be an individual in a partnership. Grow and experience by yourself, before making the decision to get married.

If you haven't done your homework, and things start to fall apart in your marriage, your child pays the price.

Communication

Has communication with your partner improved? Take a look!

Relationship Communication Test

What type of communication pattern have you and your partner developed within your relationship? The true-false test below is designed to give you a better understanding of the ways you relate, or don't relate, to your partner. These questions will also help you realize how comfortable you feel with your partner — the person who is supposed to be the most significant and trusted person in your life. Check 'True' for all of the statements that express at least occasional problems on your part.

Select either True or False for each item.

1. I often can't seem to find the right words to express what I want to say.
2. I worry that exposing myself to my partner will result in rejection.
3. I often don't talk because I'm afraid my opinion is wrong.
4. Speaking up will only make things worse.
5. I talk too much and don't give my partner a chance to speak.
6. I don't look forward to talking to my partner.
7. Once I get started in an argument, I have trouble stopping.
8. My speech is often defensive.
9. I frequently bring up his or her past failures.
10. My actions don't match what I say.
11. I don't really listen.
12. I try to repay anger with anger or insult with insult.
13. I tease my mate too much.
14. I talk about really important things too rarely.
15. I often lie by omission.
16. I hate it when my partner brings up a problem.
17. I think it's important to lay out to my partner all of the complaints I have about him or her.
18. I state my complaints in a heated manner.
19. I tend to say "You always" or "You never" when discussing my complaints.
20. I rarely state my complaints to avoid hurting my spouse.
21. I don't like to argue because I feel arguing reflects badly on the relationship.
22. I don't like to discuss our negative feelings because it only makes us feel worse.
23. I don't feel I should have to bring up what's bothering me because my partner should already know.

Overall total: There is no right or wrong number of true or false answers to this test. You should look over your responses to get a feel for where communication problems or perceptions exist.

Is there a Perfect Marriage?

"The people who tell you they're happy all the time in their marriage ... they're either lying, or they never see their spouses."

-- Iris Krasnow

Iris Krasnow was a well-respected journalist before getting married and starting a family. Surrendering to motherhood was easier than surrendering to her marriage. There were times when both she and her husband were ready to leave. Things began to turn around when they began to let go of the happily-ever-after myth, and realize that their marriage was imperfect. This realization led to her book, Surrendering to Marriage.

What Is Surrender?

Surrendering, in this case, doesn't mean submission; it means freedom. It means moving with the rhythm of your life and your marriage. According to Iris, surrendering to marriage is about surrendering to the promise of "I do" that you have made, and working as hard as you can to fulfill it.

Surrendering also means letting go of the marriage fantasy. Iris says, "If you think that the quality of your happiness is going to change dramatically once you march down the aisle, you're wrong..

There Is No Perfect Marriage

Iris found that even marriages on the brink of divorce can be saved when couples let go of their expectations that someone else will make them happy. She says, "If you expect someone else to make you happy, you'll never be happy." When people say that they have an unhappy marriage, the reality is that there are unhappy people in the marriage. There is no perfect marriage because there are no perfect people.

Should You Leave?

At times there are reasons to leave such as sustained agony due to abuse or adultery. However, boredom is not a reason to leave. If you're bored in your marriage, Iris says, the first question to ask yourself is "What am I doing in my life to fill that hole?.

People often cite boredom, not feeling like soul mates, or finding someone better as reasons for leaving their marriages. Iris says, "There is no one better out there, because you take yourself with you wherever you go..

Lessons Learned

Iris Krasnow, author of Surrendering to Marriage, says that even marriages seemingly on the brink of divorce cam be saved. Here she offers some of what she learned about marriage while researching for her book.

Accept and expect feelings of hate to be part of marriage. Learn how to demonstrate rage silently, to swing with it, because you can count on the hate changing into something wonderful. Just like you can count on tender love turning into fighting. Marriage can be a pain — you can count on that. So surrender to that fact and get on with things.

It is a fantasy to count on marriage to be a wellspring of contentment. Thinking you will get happiness-ever-after is a ticket to divorce. The sting of Cupid's arrow will fade. There will be fewer 'ah-ha's' and more 'ho-hums'. Surrender to that rhythm and the grind of the ordinary, and a sustained and profound satisfaction can be yours..

Stop searching for perfect love elsewhere — no such animal exists. Many people who have left marriages to chase someone they believed to be sexier than their spouse, end up with bigger problems than the ones they left behind. These include dealing with step-children, the unrelenting rage of the spouse and the realization that the same tough issues are surfacing again. That's because they took their own imperfect selves with them, and from that there is no escape..

Hug and kiss your spouse as often as you do your kids. Your spouse will behave better. Come from a place of compassion and vulnerability, rather than snarly anger, and you'll find that most of the time you will get everything you need or want..

Go on — surrender to your imperfect marriage. Admit that you love it more than you hate it. Keep your wedding promises of "I do" and "I will," vows that you must, we all must, work ourselves to the bone to fulfill..

The Grass Isn't Always Greener

Find out what happens in other peoples' lives, and surrender to the realization that marriage isn't perfect. These couples unveil their "real" marriages, and Iris Krasnow gives advice on how to surrender.

Making the Commitment

Ginger felt she was in the marriage by herself. She expected to be attached at the hip to her husband David. She assumed David would automatically know her needs. She left, but realized after a month that she missed things about her marriage she didn't even know she had. Ginger realized she was never fully committed — she had been trying to decide if she was going to stay married seven out of the eight and a half years they were married.

How to Surrender

Ginger had to commit herself to the marriage. Once David knew she wasn't leaving, he was able to let go of the fear and put more into the marriage. Iris says that you have to surrender to your part in the marriage rather than resent it. If one person is better at something — whether it's grocery shopping or laundry — let it ignite a cycle of love and kindness, instead of resentment.

Getting Past an Affair

When marriage didn't live up to his expectations, Michael looked for excitement and attention elsewhere. Not long after he told Ann about his affair, she followed suit. Her extramarital affairs made her feel like she was on a pedestal — a feeling she didn't get at home. Although they were both extremely hurt, they were determined to stay together as a family.

How to Surrender

The excitement of an affair is temporary, Iris says. It's a total fantasy. She explains, "It's the hubba-hubba heart-throb you're always courting in some bed and breakfast, everyone's just lost ten pounds weight, you're wearing Victoria Secret underwear, you don't share a bathroom, and you don't even know if they snore."

Iris says that an affair doesn't have to be a reason to end a marriage — it's for each couple or person to work out what they can handle. If you want your marriage, you have to forgive at some point. If a person is suffering sustained agony, however, the marriage is in serious trouble — some people cannot get over it.

Battling Resentment

After doing what she sees as surrendering to her marriage for twelve years, Anna still feels sad and lonely. She misses the romance, the spontaneity and the spark. She finds herself wondering, "Is this all there is?"

How to Surrender

Iris says you have to ask for what you need. If you ask for what you need and you don't get it, then you have a problem. However, if there's a simmering resentment within, then you have to find what's going on in your own life. Marriage is a drag sometimes, and you have to put yourself at the top of your to-do list.

Fighting Unreal Expectations

Steve had always dreamed of having a large family like his own — he wanted five children. Despite a series of miscarriages, they were blessed with a daughter. Steve, however, harbored resentment after a specialist advised them to stop trying to have more children. In order to save their marriage, Kim asked him to learn to appreciate what they had, rather than dwell on the dream of his ideal family.

How to Surrender

Iris says you have to embrace reality and not your fantasy. The disappointment and resentment was from his expectations. Steve surrendered his dream of a large family and decided to be thankful and enjoy what they have.

Appreciating What You Have

After many of her friends divorced, Linda compared her married life to their newfound lives as single women. She sabotaged her relationship — she thought her married life was boring and without excitement and passion. Looking back, she wishes she had surrendered to her life, because she already had everything she was looking for.

How to Surrender

Iris says it's the mundane part of marriage that we try to flee. It's not always euphoric. When you compare your marriage to others', you're not seeing what really exists. Appreciate what you have - someone else isn't going to make you happier. When you're married and feeling malaise and boredom - work that marriage to the bone. If there's a shred of hope, fight for it.