The World Of Women

Jokes of all kinds to make you smile.

Time passes ...

When I was in my younger days,
I weighed a few pounds less,
I needn't hold my tummy in
To wear a belted dress.

But now that I am older,
I've set my body free;
There's comfort of elastic
Where once my waist would be.

Inventor of those high-heeled shoes
My feet have not forgiven;
I have to wear a nine now,
But used to wear a seven.

And how about those pantyhose -
They're sized by weight, you see,
So how come when I put them on
The crotch is at my knee?

I need to wear these glasses
As the print's been getting smaller;
And it wasn't very long ago
I know that I was taller.

So though my hair has turned to gray
And my skin will no longer fit,
On the inside, I'm the same old me,
It's the outside that's changed a bit!

Chocolate is a Vegetable

Chocolate is a Vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Beans are vegetables. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So chocolate bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the carpark.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Put 'eat chocolate' at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

Remember, 'stressed' spelled backward is 'desserts'.

Tell everyone you meet about the wonders of chocolate, because the more who know about this amazing vegetable, the more we can all can share in the joy!

Chocolate Mathematics

This is pretty clever how it works out. This is the only year, 2002, when it will work, so enjoy it while it lasts. For every year after that you must add 1 to the numbers in question 5. E.g. For 2003 make it 1753 or 1752. For 2004 make it 1754 and 1753.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (try for more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50 - I'll wait while you get the calculator ...
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1752. If you haven't, add 1751.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number. The first digit of this was your original number i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week.

The next two numbers are ... your age! Oh yes, it is!

A Woman's Interpretation of What Men Say

1. "I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
2. "IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical"
3. "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
4. "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
5. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."
6. "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was just looking at what that redhead over there is wearing.
7. "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
8. "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"
9. "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
10. "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
11. "OH,DON'T FUSS,I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
12. "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING". Means: "And I sure I hope I think of some pretty soon."
13. "I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
14. "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
15. "I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
16. "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
17. "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
18. "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
19. "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Meabns: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."